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Marriage and Relationship Jokes | Part 4

Best first: Outvoted 1:1 by the wife again.

     
Why does psychoanalysis work quicker with men than with women? Because when it's time to return to one’s childhood, the man is already there.

A wife complains to her husband: “Just look at that couple down the road, Roger, how lovely they are. He keeps holding her hand, kissing her, holding the door for her … Why can’t you do the same?”
 
“Are you mad? I barely know the woman!”

Why is it called the PMS?
 
Because the Mad Cow Disease was taken.
I was looking for that thing that peels potatoes, apples and carrots.

 I’ve asked my kids if they had any idea. Apparently she left 2 days ago.
I don’t think you can trust anything that bleeds for five days and yet doesn’t die.Five Qualities of a Good Woman:
1. You should have a woman who works at home, who cooks, keeps things tidy and has a job.

2. You should have a woman who can make you smile and laugh.

3. You should have a woman you can trust, a woman who never lies to you.

4. You should have a woman who is good in bed and enjoys spending time with you.

5. And you should always, always keep these four women from ever meeting each other.
 Wife sends a text message to her husband on a really cold winter morning: Windows are totally frozen, will not open.

Husband replies: “Carefully pour some warm water over it and tap the edges first with your hand, if that doesn’t work, then gently with a hammer.”

15 minutes later, the wife texts back: “Oh no, I think the laptop is now totally gone.”
The most successful wives don’t just randomly select their husbands. They pick them. Clean to the bone.
My new wife left me because of my huge insecurity problems.
 
Oh no, hang on, she’s back. She just went to the bathroom!
My friend got herself a puppy. It’s so incredibly cute and playful! Unfortunately her husband is allergic so it really doesn’t work out.

If you’re interested, please send a message. His name is Marcel, he’s 54 years old and he weighs 216 pounds.
Judge: Why on Earth did you hit your husband with a chair?
-
Wife: Because the table was too heavy.
Women are so funny sometimes. They think that their long silences or “I won’t talk to you” attitudes is actually a punishment.
‘Darling, would you save me if I jumped into the water?'
 
‘Honey, if I say yes, will you jump?'
A husband asks his wife:
-
If I died, would you marry again?
-
Oh darling, of course I wouldn’t. I’d go and live with my sister. And if I died, would you remarry?
-
No, I think I’d go and live with your sister too.
A fortune teller asks a woman: “So, you came to know your husband’s future?”
 
“No way, tell me about his past, then I’ll decide about his future!!”
If it's true that girls will probably marry men who resemble their fathers, it would explain why so many mothers cry at weddings.
Good news: Your wife is pregnant, yay!

Bad news: She’s expecting triplets.

Terrible news: You’ve had vasectomy…
Good news: Your wife won’t talk to you.

Bad news: She wants a divorce.

Terrible news: She’s a lawyer…
A woman visits a well-known witch. She asks the witch if she has something to help her break a curse that was cast against her about 8 years ago. The witch asks, “What sort of a curse was it, then?” The woman said, “It went, ‘I now pronounce you man and wife’.
”If you and I were on a sinking ship, and there was but one life vest... I cannot express how much I would miss you.
They say a minute of laughter adds five minutes to your life.

That explains why God, after having created Man, lives forever.
Next Part
 Husband and Wife Jokes

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5

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