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Hilarious Jokes

Best first: Farting in a lift is wrong on so many levels!
    
 Hilarious Jokes

Hilarious jokes

 
Seriously good jokes!
Tonight I dreamt of a beautiful walk on a sandy beach.
 
At least that explains the footprints I found in the cat litter box this morning.


What do you get when you cross-breed a shark and a cow?

I have no idea but I wouldn’t try milking it.
 "I wasn't that drunk yesterday." "Oh boy you took the shower head in your arms and told it to stop crying."
How can you tell you have a really bad case of acne?
 
It’s when the blind try to read your face.
Boy complains to his father: You told me to put a potato in my swimming trunks! You said it would impress the girls at the pool! But you forgot to mention one thing!

Father: Really, what?

Boy: That the potato should go in the front.
Sometimes it is very important if a sentence was said by a man or a woman. A good example: “I used a whole pack of tissues during that awesome movie yesterday!”
I’m a magical fairy. You can have two wishes.

What? But I want three wishes!

Very good, granted. You now have two wishes left.
A guy wakes up in the morning and tells his wife: “Wow darling, you won’t believe what happened. I dreamt I was forced to eat a live sheep and now I can’t see my pillow anywhere!”
-
The wife answers, “The pillow’s fine, it’s lying right there on the floor, but I have been calling our dog in vain for the past 5 minutes!”
Two elephants meet a totally naked guy. After a while one elephant says to the other: “I really don’t get how he can feed himself with that thing!”
After many years of studying at a university, I’ve finally become a PhD… or Pizza Hut Deliveryman as people call it.

I just got a photo from a speeding camera through the mail. I sent it right back – way too expensive and really bad quality.
When my wife starts to sing I always go out and do some garden work so our neighbors can see there's no domestic violence going on.
The Queen takes the visiting pope for a ride in a carriage through London. Suddenly one of the horses lets farts very loudly. “I am terribly sorry,” apologizes the embarrassed Queen. The pope replies, “Oh don’t worry, if you hadn’t said anything, I’d just think it was the horse!”
Husband brings the child home from kindergarten and asks his wife, "He’s been crying the whole way home. Isn’t he sick or something?"
 
"No," replies the wife, "he was just trying to tell you he isn’t our Frankie."
Of course I should clean my windows. But privacy is important too.
8 p.m. I get an SMS from my girlfriend: Me or football?!

11 p.m. I SMS my girlfriend: You of course.
Two elephants meet a totally naked guy. After a while one elephant says to the other: “I really don’t get how he can feed himself with that thing!”
At a disco:
 
He: “Wow, what’s a cute girl like you doing in a corner all alone?”
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She: “I had to fart.”
Two police officers crash their car into a tree. After a moment of silence, one of them says, “Wow, that’s got to be the fastest we ever got to the accident site.”
A man to a psychiatrist: “How do you select who should be admitted to your facility?”

The psychiatrist replies: “We fill a bathtub with water and give the person a spoon, a cup and a bucket. Then we ask that person to empty the bathtub.”

The man smiles: “Ah, I understand, if you are sane you would take the bucket.”

The Psychiatrist replies: “No, a sane guy pulls the plug. Do you want a room with or without a balcony?”

Come on, I made you breakfast in bed, what I should be hearing is a simple ‘Thank you,’ not all this 'How did you get into my house?' nonsense!
Broccoli: Hey, I look like a tree.

Mushroom: Wow, I look just like an umbrella.

Walnut: I look exactly like a brain.

Banana: Man, can we change the topic please?
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Hilarious Jokes

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