Seriously good jokes!
Boy complains to his father: You told me to put a potato in my swimming
trunks! You said it would impress the girls at the pool! But you forgot to
mention one thing!
Father: Really, what?
Boy: That the potato
should go in the front.
What do you get when you cross-breed a shark and a cow?
I have no idea but I
wouldn’t try milking it.
How can you tell you have a really bad case of acne?
It’s when the
blind try to read your face.
A wife complains to her husband: “Just look at that couple down the road, how lovely they are. He keeps holding her hand, kissing her, holding the door for her, why can’t you do the same?”
The husband: “Are you mad? I barely know that woman!”
Tonight I dreamt of a beautiful walk on a sandy beach.
At least that
explains the footprints I found in the cat litter box this morning.
Would you mind if I took a picture of you naked?
Sure, why not – if
it isn’t too cold for you here?
"I wasn't that drunk yesterday." "Oh boy you took the shower head in your
arms and told it to stop crying."
Little Johnny once bought his Grandma a very nice, luxurious toilet brush
for her birthday. But when he went to visit her a couple of weeks later, it
wasn't in the bathroom.
Little Johnny asked his Grandma, “Gran, what
happened to the toilet brush I gave you?”
“Darling, I'm sorry but I
just didn’t like it. It was too scratchy. After all those years, I’ve gotten
used to the toilet paper.”
After many years of studying at a university, I’ve finally become a PhD… or
Pizza Hut Deliveryman as people call it.
I just got a photo from a speeding camera through the mail. I sent it right
back – way too expensive and really bad quality.
Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house?
Of course, a house doesn’t
jump at all.
When my wife starts to sing I always go out and do some garden work so our
neighbors can see there's no domestic violence going on.
A nice old lady on a bus offers the driver some peanuts. He’s happy to take
some. He asks her after a while why she isn’t having any herself.
“Oh, young man,” she says, “they’re too hard on my poor teeth, I couldn’t.”
“Why did you buy them at all then?” wonders the driver.
I just love the chocolate they’re covered in!”
Husband brings the child home from kindergarten and asks his wife, "He’s
been crying the whole way home. Isn’t he sick or something?"
replies the wife, "he was just trying to tell you he isn’t our Frankie."
At a disco:
He: “Wow, what’s a cute girl like you doing in a
corner all alone?”
She: “I had to fart.”
Patient: Doctor help me please, every time I drink a cup of coffee I get
this intense stinging in my eye.
Doctor: I suggest you remove the spoon
Two police officers crash their car into a tree. After a moment of silence,
one of them says, “Wow, that’s got to be the fastest we ever got to the
A man to a psychiatrist: “How do you select who should be admitted to your
The psychiatrist replies: “We fill a bathtub with water
and give the person a spoon, a cup and a bucket. Then we ask that person to
empty the bathtub.”
The man smiles: “Ah, I understand, if you are
sane you would take the bucket.”
The Psychiatrist replies: “No, a sane guy pulls the plug. Do you want a room
with or without a balcony?”
Come on, I made you breakfast in bed, what I should be hearing is a simple
‘Thank you,’ not all this 'How did you get into my house?' nonsense!
Broccoli: Hey, I look like a tree.
Mushroom: Wow, I look just
like an umbrella.
Walnut: I look exactly like a brain.
Man, can we change the topic please?