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One Liners

Best first: What is white and flies up?
-
A retarded snowflake
    
 One Liners

Really Funny One Liners

 
Read those really good short jokes and find yourself laughing like a hyena.

What do you get when you wake up on a workday and realize you ran out of coffee?
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A depresso.
I used to breed rabbits. Then I realized they can handle it themselves.
Google request:

How to disable autocorrect in wife?
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark's teeth?

A slow swimmer.
I went to see the doctor about my short-term memory problems. The first thing the bastard did was made me pay in advance.
Women usually claim childbirth is the most painful experience of their lives. Until they start stepping on Legos approximately three years later.
Does your horse smoke?
[No.]
Well, then I think your stable is burning.

What are a shark’s two most favorite words?
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Man overboard!
“Waiter, the steak is smelling very strongly of liquor!”
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The waiter backs up 3 steps and asks, “How’s that now?”
I ran into my ex in town yesterday. Then I ran over him and backed up to run into him again.
Need cheering up? Start a fight with somebody when they have the hiccoughs!
I don’t think women should be allowed to have kids after 40. 40 kids is way too much by any standard.
What is Jesus' favorite food?
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Cheeses.
What is written on a dentist’s grave?
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He’s filling his last cavity.
Losing a wife can be very tough. Some may even say impossible.
What is sticky and brown?
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A stick!
A man drops his phone on a concrete floor. The phone is fine, no damage. How come?
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He had it on airplane mode.
Two snails are chatting on the sidewalk. “I’ll have to cross the road,” says one.
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“Well, be careful,” says the other one, “there’s a bus coming in an hour.“
What do you get when you cross-breed a cow and a shark?
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I don’t know, but I wouldn't enjoy milking it.
Meanwhile in a parallel universe: “Oh for God’s sake! Where are all these extra single socks coming from?!”
What is pointless?
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To tell a bald guy a hair-raising story.
What do you call a bull that likes taking a nap?
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A bulldozer!
Why do bees hum?
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They don't remember the text!
What happens to mountains when they touch each other?
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Answer: Nothing.
What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?
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A stick.
What do you call a vegan with diarrhea?
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A smoothie maker.

Yesterday I learnt that 20 piranhas can strip all flesh off a man within 15 minutes.
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Unfortunately, I also lost my job at the local swimming pool.
What swims and starts with a T?
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Two ducks.
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Best One Liners

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