Fifty of the very best Thanksgiving jokes plus bonus jokes. Have a
joyfull laugh at Thanksgiving with your friends and family.
Two cannibals are enjoying a Thanksgiving dinner and a light conversation
about all things family.
“I just can’t stand my mother-in-law,” sighs
“That’s quite understandable,” nods the other one, “why don’t you
just have the potatoes with the gravy?”
What’s the universal key
to a lovely Thanksgiving?
There’s always something to
be thankful for on Thanksgiving.
Even if it’s just not being a turkey.
Once upon a time, there was a very happy, long-married couple who ran a
They loved each other and all, there was just one problem – the
guy farted incredibly, and enjoyed ripping seriously loud ones in bed
The wife complained for years, pleaded – in vain. “One day,
you’ll spill your guts out, you mark my words!” was the lady’s frequent
Then one Thanksgiving morning, gutting the turkey, she
had a stroke of genius. She took all the turkey’s guts and went to their
bedroom and quietly slipped them under the still sleeping man’s covers.
“That’ll teach him!” she thought with satisfaction and went back to her
At 10 the man was still nowhere to be seen – quite shocking for a farmer
– and she was starting to worry when finally her husband came down – walking
a little strange, wearing an even stranger expression.
“You were right
about the farting, Ida,” he panted, “I’m ashamed to admit that I did fart my
guts out. But with the help of our Lord and these two fingers, all is right
What does a disappointed mama turkey tell her kids?
father were to see you now, he would be turning over in his gravy!
the policeman stop you on your way home last Thanksgiving?
far exceeded your feed limit.
What key can’t open doors no matter how
hard you try?
What do turkeys and women have in common?
A lot of guys are only interested in their breasts.
How many chefs
does it take to stuff a Thanksgiving turkey?
Only one and even then it’s
a pretty tight squeeze.
About two weeks into
November, the head turkey turns to his second-in-command and says, “I have a
feeling something’s going down. The farmer just unfriended me on Facebook.”
What do you get when you crossbreed a turkey
with a harp?
A bird who can pluck itself.
What did the turkey say before he was roasted?
“OK, spare me no insults. Roast me!”
If the Pilgrims were
still alive today, what would they be celebrated for the most?
What is a good name for post-Thanksgiving constipation?
“The meal isn’t over when I’m full, the meal is over when I
hate myself.” – Louis C.K.
What do you get when you cross an octopus
with a turkey?
Finally enough drumsticks for everybody at Thanksgiving.
Provided you can catch the darned critter.
Why didn’t the turkey bake
properly on Thanksgiving?
I’ve no idea but I suspect some fowl play.
What do you call a turkey whizzing through the air past your head
because the oven exploded?
The native Indians were
laughing at the Pilgrims for being so pale and never getting a proper tan.
But they did get a tan. A puritan.
What smells the best at dinner on
The family dog’s nose.
Brilliant geek joke:
is the easiest recipe for a pumpkin pie?
Simply divide the pumpkin’s
circumference by its diameter.
“I celebrated Thanksgiving in an
old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had
an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.” Jon Stewart
“Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across the country
join together to raise America’s obesity statistics.” Stephen Colbert
What usually comes at the end of Thanksgiving?
Traditionally, the letter
Should you have that annoying distant auntie for Thanksgiving
It’s really not worth it. Just have the turkey.
turkey is dilated to 3.5 inches, stuffing is crowning, time to eat
That’s what happens at Thanksgiving when your mom is an
Why did the turkey cross the road before Thanksgiving?
He was trying to give people the impression that he was a chicken.
What happens when you seriously overstuff yourself with turkey at
You have a few slices of pumpkin pie.
white and red?
A Pilgrim blushing because he’d seen the turkey dressing.
What did the pilgrim do when he bit into a bad piece of corn?
How did the Pilgrims die?
It was the Pilgrim Reaper.
Why couldn’t the Thanksgiving entertainment band perform?
had eaten the drumsticks.
What would mothers most like to make on
Good restaurant reservations.
you’re crazy about Thanksgiving?
You’ve got nothing on the turkeys. When
Thanksgiving approaches, they literally lose their heads!
tell the difference between a female and a male turkey?
The male is the
one with the TV remote.
Over the long journey and having overcome
many hardships together, the Pilgrims’ bonds strengthened and they all
became pretty good Palgrims.
What can never ever be eaten for
What happened the
first time one of the settlers tried to write favor instead of favour?
was attacked by a Pilgrammar nazi.
What’s the link between turkeys
Stuffing. Lots of stuffing.
What’s the best way to
deal with a turkey?
Have it killed and then cran-bury it!!!!
many turkeys does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Well if I knew the
answer, I wouldn’t be asking you, would I?
What do jazzy people put
on their potatoes at Thanksgiving?
What did the little corn say to momcorn?
When will popcorn come?
On Thanksgiving dinner, most of us turn into hipsters.
We all go out
of our way to eat the turkey before it is cool.
“I love Thanksgiving
turkey … it’s the only time in Los Angeles that you see natural breasts.”
What happens when you’re too harsh on the
cranberries and make them sad?
They turn into blueberries.
When do you serve vegan vitarian matcha-tea-flavored turkey-shaped
Tamara the feeding frenzy starts all over again, yay!
What’s the easiest way to catch a turkey?
Ask a friend to toss one at
BONUS THANKSGIVING JOKES
Why isn’t it a good idea to do bad
things (e.g. pick your nose when you think no-one’s looking) at Thanksgiving
Because the potatoes are keeping their eyes peeled.
the best Thanksgiving cookie?
One baked with May-flour.
“Thanksgiving, when the Indians said, ‘Well, this has been fun, but we know
you have a long voyage back to England.’” – Jay Leno
Thanksgiving I shot my own turkey. It was fun. That shot gun going, "Blam!
Everybody at the supermarket just staring. Why track them when I know
where they are?” – Kenny Rogerson
Turkey fun facts:
- Turkey quite
possibly didn’t feature on the first Thanksgiving menu. The records point
more towards a duck or a goose.
- Turkeys can get a heart attack. This
was discovered when the US Air Force were testing breaking the sound barrier
and the huge boom ended up with a field of turkeys dead from fright.
Black Friday is the busiest day of the year for plumbers. Guess why.
Benjamin Franklin wanted turkey to become US national animal. He thought the
eagle had a “bad moral character”.
- Because of the very harsh conditions
during that first year of 1621, many historians believe that only 5 Pilgrim
women (out of the 50 Pilgrims in total) were present at the Thanksgiving
– that’s probably how many have survived.
- A wild turkey, when
scared, can run 20 mph (32 kph).
- After a stroll on the Moon, the first
meal Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin enjoyed was roast turkey (in a foil
packet, but still).
What did the turkey say to the lady who visited
the farmer in November?
“I heard Target is having a special chicken
What did the turkey say in the sauna?
“Hmmm, what is that
What do you call a turkey that’s got no feathers?
What is the theory of
Take Thanksgiving for example. The turkey gets stuffed, you
get stuffed, but you’re relatively better off.
How do you make the richest soup
Cook it with 24 carrots (carats).
What are turkeys thankful
for at Thanksgiving?
The current veganism/vegetarianism fad.
Do You Know You Went Too Far This Thanksgiving:
- You have grease stains
on your butt – but you never sat down.
- Your post-dinner moans brought
Dr. Kevorkian’s van to your door.
- You kind of suspect the amount of
potatoes you used might have started a brand new potato famine, this time in
- You ask your wife if you have the Jaws of Life at home when you
need to get off the couch.
- You went for a blood test the week after and
the only thing the nurse could draw from your arm was slightly darker gravy.
- The steering wheel is starting to get uncomfortably personal.
- The dog
eyes you with new respect.
- While you were taking a nap after food,
somebody quietly put a large plastic sheet under you, and a few dozen
sandbags around you.
What do you call somebody who’s
absolutely into Thanksgiving turkey?
Yo mama so
fat, you invite her over for Thanksgiving dinner and tell her you’re eating
a whole turkey, and she brings her passport.
Geek section: “Turkey: A
large bird whose flesh, when eaten on certain religious anniversaries has
the peculiar property of attesting piety and gratitude.” – Ambrose Bierce
“Thanksgiving is the day men start getting in shape … to play Santa
Claus.” – Melanie White
“Thanksgiving is a time to count your
blessings, one by one, as each relative goes home.” – Melanie White