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Top 50 Dog Jokes

Best first: Q: Who is Dracula’s best friend? A: His bloodhound.

    
 Very Funny Dog Jokes and Dog Puns

Funny Dog Jokes and Puns

 
1.

 Q: What do you get when you cross a dog and a cougar?
 
A: Trouble with the postman.

2.

 Q: What do you get when you try to cross a pit bull with a computer?

A: A lot of bites.

3.

 Q: What kind of dog eats with his ears?
 
A: They all do.

 I haven’t seen a single dog remove their ears before tucking in.

4.

 Q: What happens when you cross a dog and a cheetah?

A: You get a dog who chases after cars a lot – and actually catches them.

5.

 What an amazing, clever dog we have, darling.

 He brings in the newspaper every day, and we’ve never even subscribed to any!

6.

 Q: What do you call a sleeping Rottweiler?

A: Anything you like, just very quietly.
7.

 Q: What did the dog growl triumphantly when he finally caught his tail?

A: “This is the end!”
8.

 Q: What is the question a flea often has to ask itself?

A: Should I walk or take a dog?
9.

 Q: How do you stop a dog from barking in the back seat when you’re driving?

A: Invite him to bark in the front seat.
10.

 Q: What does a dog become when it’s seven years old?

A: Unless something terrible happens, eight years old.
11.

 Q: What do you get when you cross a Doberman and a hyena?

A: No idea, but if it laughs, I join in.
12.

 Q: When is a mom flea happy?

A: When her whole family has gone to the dogs.

13.

 “Life is like a dogsled team.

 If you ain’t the lead dog, the scenery never changes.

” – Lewis Grizzard
14.

 Q: Why do people call it a “litter” of puppies?

A: Once they grow a little bigger, one look at your ruined house will explain.
15.

 Q: What do you call a puppy that’s come in from the snow?

A: Snowball.

16.

 The official dogs’ song?
 “Every snack you take, every food you make, every can you shake, every seal you break, I’ll be watching you….


17.

 What do you mean, my dog was chasing a guy on a bike?
 My dog doesn’t ride a bike!
18.

 Q: How do you tell the difference between a dog and a carrot?

A: The carrot is a lot smaller.
19.

 Q: What has 4,000 eyes and 8,000 legs?

A: Two thousand dogs.
20.

 Q: What do you do when you find a 250 pound dog sleeping on your bed?

A: Quietly go sleep on the sofa.
21.

 Q: What do you do when you find a 250 pound dog eating from your plate?

A: Seek medical help.

 You’ve been seeing too many 250 pound dogs recently.

 
22.

 I should have been more suspicious when the Chinese guy offered to “wok my dog for me”…
23.

 What is the difference between a dog and a mailbox?
 
[Don’t know]

OK, in that case I think I’ll mail that letter myself, thank you.
24.

 Q: What do you do when you see a rabid dog?

A: That depends on whether the dog has seen you, too.
25.

 Q: Why don’t blind people parachute very often?

A: It makes their guide dogs really uncomfortable.
26.

 Q: Why don’t people put an ad in the paper when their dogs get lost?

A: And how many dogs do you know that actually read newspaper?
27.
 
 “I just found out why dogs drink out of the toilet.

 My mother said it's because the water is a lot colder in there.

 I'm like, How does my mother know that?”

- Wendy Liebman

28.

 Q: Would you rather have a 250 pound dog chase you or a lion?

A: Um… I’d rather he chased the lion.
29.

 Q: What happened when a Labrador went to the flea circus?

A: He totally stole the show.
30.

 Q: How do you tell the difference between a labrador and a marine biologist?

A: The one wags a tale, the other tags a whale.

31.

 Q: Why was the dog chasing its own tail?

A: It was just trying to make ends meet.
32.

 Q: What happens when you cross a rooster, a Cocker Spaniel and a Poodle?

A: You get a Cockerpoodledoo.
33.

 Go on, ask a dog how’s life.

 He’ll most likely answer, „Ruff! “
34.

 Q: What should you do when your dog suddenly goes Squaawk?

A: Pat him on the head.

 He’s learning a new language.
35.

 Do you seek a good laugh?

 Draw eyebrows on your dog.

 It works.
36.

 Ever wondered why there are so few famous dog dancers?
 Dogs have two left feet.
37.

 A dog sits in a bar, sipping a bourbon.

 A customer walks up to him and says, “It’s not often that I see a dog drinking bourbon here!”
The dog sniffs, “Yeah, hardly a surprise at these prices.”

38.

 Why do men chase after women they don’t intend to marry?
 Well why do dogs chase after cars they don’t intend to drive?
39.

 A dog thinks, “Wow, the humans are bringing me food every day, they have me live in a nice house away from the cold, they take care of me… They must be gods…”
The cat thinks, “Wow, the humans are bringing me food every day, they have me live in a nice house away from the cold, they take care of me… I must be God!”

40.

 Q: Why do dogs lick their butts?

A: Because nobody will do it for them.
41.

4. Q: What happens when a dog finds a nice, mature roadkill and you’re not there to stop him?

A: His bark becomes a lot more scary than his bite.

42.

 Q: What do you get when you cross a Doberman with a Saint Bernard’s?

A: A dog that bites you and then goes to fetch help.

43.

 A good idea for a sign: “Salespeople welcome – dog food has become really expensive”
44.

 Q: What do you call a blind dog?

A: A dog that usually barks up the wrong tree.
45.

 Q: What do you do when you see a dog eating your dictionary?

A: Take the words out of his mouth.



46.

 Q: What is the best timekeeper you could wish for?

A: A watch dog.

47.

 Q: What’s the difference between a dog yapping outside a house and a woman yapping outside a house?

A: The dog shuts it once you let it in.

48.

 I went to the zoo – and all they had was one small dog.

 It was a shih-tzu.

49.

 I’m considering removing my dog’s tail.

 My mother in law comes next weekend and I intend to get rid of anything that would give her the impression that she is welcome.
50.

 Q: What do you call a wolf who picks up litter after campers and is worried about pollution?

A: Aware wolf.

- BONUS -
DOG JOKES:

Q: What creature has four legs and one hand?


A: A happy Rottweiler returning from his morning walk.
Q: What is a caterpillar’s biggest natural enemy?

A: A doggerpillar.
Q: What looks like a dog, lives in a dog house, eats dog food and is extremely dangerous?

A: A Rottweiler with a black belt in karate.

Q: What market shouldn't you take your dog to.

A: The flea market.
Q: Why did the dog lie down?

A: He found lying up a little hard.
 Dogs are the best alarm clocks.

 When they want out, there’s no snooze button that could tame that.
Q: Why is a dog superior to a flea?

A: A dog can have a flea but a flea can’t have a dog.
“They say the dog is man's best friend.

 I don't believe that.

 How many of your friends have you neutered?”

 – Larry Reeb
Q: Why did the dog cross the road?

A: To catch the chicken.
Will sell dog.

 Easy-going.

 Eats anything.

 Loves children.
Dog dictionary

a.
 Toilet bowl: A heavenly dispenser of nice, fresh water.


b.
 Hearing: A variable skill.

 Its intensity depends on whether it applies to a fridge door opening half a mile away behind three closed doors, or whether your own name is being shouted in an angry way or in a way that threatens Vet (see Vet).

c.
 Garbage bin/bag: Source of food.

 Spread contents over as wide an area as possible.


d.
 Drooling: When humans are eating, drooling can be a very effective food-producing skill.

 For best results, drool must be gotten onto the humans’ trousers/skirt.


Use also for fun – when driving in a car with humans, place head between two humans in the front seat.

 Drool gently and in great volume on their arms/shoulders.

 Rejoice at effects.


e.
 Resting place: Anything, really.

 White, freshly vacuumed surfaces with good capacity for getting hair stuck to it are best.

 
f.
 Sofa: See resting place.

 Also serves as napkin after particularly satisfying meals (see Roadkill).


g.
 Vet: Satan, the Destroyer of Worlds, Bringer of Woe, Remover of Testicles.


h.
 Leash: A device allowing you to lead your human to a place you desire.

 Excellent for muscle-building exercise.


i.
 Bicycle: Very good cardio equipment.

 If you find the exercise/the rider too slow for you, you can increase its speed by running even closer to the vehicle and barking.

 It will pick up its pace very satisfyingly.


j.
 Fireworks: A sure sign that the world as we know it is coming to an end and the reign of Vets (see Vet) is beginning.


k.
 Sniffing: A polite way of showing interest in the creature you are meeting.

 With dogs, rectal area is best.

 When meeting humans, sniff the crotch.


l.
 Roadkill: One of the most universal items you can find.

 Can be used as food, deodorant or toy.

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