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Funny Marriage Jokes | Part 3

Best first: I married Miss Right. What I didn’t know then was that her first name was "Always."

     
In any argument, a wife has the last word. Anything the husband says after that last word is the beginning of a new argument.

I’ve just had a really big row with my wife about going on holiday. I wanted to go to Paris; she wanted to come with me.
Scientists have proven that men are brighter than women. They found out that
where a man thinks, a women has a hole.
I called Debbie to celebrate our first anniversary. And she just hung up. Doesn’t our separation mean anything to her?
Women can be likened to roads. The more curves, the bigger the danger.
Knock Knock
 -
Who's there?
 -
The love of your life!
 -
Liar, you know chocolate can't speak.
“Honey what do you love most about me? My honed body or my charming face?”

“Your sense of humor.”
Man to his wife, “Do you like it at the beach, darling?”

“Yes! The view makes me quite speechless, dear!”

“Very good, we’re staying 3 weeks.”
Girl: One day I will marry. A lot of men will be sad that day.
 
Boy: Wow, how many men do you plan to marry?
Life hack: Hold your wife’s hand in the shopping mall. If you don’t, she might start shopping. For her it is romantic; for you it is economical.
“I cuddle with my husband about two or three times a week.”
 
“Yeah? Me just once.”
 
“Oh, but wait, I thought you were single.”
 
“Ah I see. I thought we were talking about your husband.”
Telegram to husband: Wife dead. Bury or cremate?

Man: Take no chances. Burn, then bury ashes.
 A man noticed his credit card has been stolen - but he never reported it because the thief was still spending considerably less than his wife.
Finally I got an idea of what it looks like in a woman’s brain: 126 open tabs in an internet browser.
An elderly couple goes to their favorite restaurant they’ve been visiting together for decades. The man addresses his wife with all sorts of endearments, calling her his darling, sweetheart, his treasure etc.

When the lady excuses herself and goes to the bathroom, the waiter comments to the man, “Wow, you have an amazing relationship with your wife, all those lovely names you call her…”
 
The man looks at him, “To be honest, it has become a necessity. I actually forgot her name about 3 years ago.”
How do you know a woman doesn’t value honesty? When she asks you, “How do I look, darling?
”Man: Darling, I just ordered our groceries online.

Wife: Really?! You’ve just sent me a Whatsapp saying I should do the shopping.
 
Man: Well, that’s what I said.
I’m not saying my wife’s cooking is bad…..
 
But a few Middle Eastern weapons manufacturers offered a very nice price for her recipes.
 I felt incomplete until I married you.
 
Now I’m finished.
Husband: Shall we make a nice weekend for each other, honey?”

Wife: “Oh, that would be lovely, Georgie!”

Husband: “Fantastic! Well, see you Monday.”
Q. What do bacon and wives have in common?

A. They both look, smell and taste fantastic; they both also kill you slowly.
Men perfectly understand other people. Provided those other people are men.
A real man always accompanies his wife to the train station when she leaves. What other way to make sure she’s actually gone?
Q. Why do men so often die before their wives do?
 
Because they want to.
Woman says to her fiancé: “When we’re married, we’ll have three kids. A brown-haired girl and two blonde boys.
-
Fiancé: “How can you tell with such precision?”
-
Woman: „Because I told my parents I’ll finally pick up the kids from them once we’re married.“

Husband takes his wife to a disco. There’s a guy on the dance floor dancing like a king –moonwalking, break dancing, head spins, the works. The wife turns to her husband and sighs: "You see that man? 25 years ago he asked me to marry him and I said no."
 
Husband says: "Yep, it looks like he’s still celebrating!!"
Next Part
 Husband and Wife Jokes

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5

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