Short and Funny Marriage Jokes
Woman to her husband while at it: "Please say dirty things to me!"
"Bath, Kitchen, Living room..."
My son wanted to know what it's like to be married. I told him to leave me
alone and when he did I asked him why he was ignoring me.
I went through an expensive and painful procedure yesterday, having had my
spine and both testicles removed. Still, some of the wedding presents
A wife hangs up after about a half-hour on the phone. The husband is
surprised, "Wow, that was quick - usually you girls are at it for two hours
at least!" "Yeah, well, it was a wrong number."
My wife’s cooking is so bad we usually pray after our food.
My wife told me she needs more space. I said no problem and locked her out
My wife and I have been married for quite a few years and my wife asked me
recently to get some pills that would make sure I’d be up to some action in
the bedroom again.
I brought home diet pills. Apparently very much
not what she meant.
Marriage is an institution of three rings. Engagement ring, wedding ring and
“Darling, can I go out in this dress?”
“Yes dear, it’s already dark
It’s been raining for days now and my husband seems very depressed by it.
He keeps standing by the window, staring. If it continues, I’m going to
have to let him in.
A little boy looks at his mum at a wedding and says, “Mummy, why is the girl
dressed all in white?”
His mum answers, “The girls is called a bride and
she is in white because she’s very happy and this is the happiest day of her
The boy nods and then says, “OK, and why is the boy all in
Honey, do you think I gained weight?
No, I think the living room got
I called my woman to celebrate our first anniversary. And she just hung up.
Doesn’t our separation mean anything to her?
Honey, what will you give me for our 25th anniversary?
A trip to
Wow, that’s awesome, and for our 50th anniversary?
Then I pick you up again.
I got really angry with my sat nav today. I even yelled at it to go to hell.
20 minutes later, it brought me in front of my mother-in-law’s house.
A man noticed his credit card has been stolen - but he never reported it. The
thief was still spending considerably less than his wife.“
A man and his wife have to go to a doctor. The doctor asks, “Do you share
the same blood group?”
The husband replies, “We must by now. She’s
been sucking my blood for years.”
What's the difference between a bachelor and a married man? Bachelor
comes home, checks out what's in the fridge & goes to bed. Married man comes
home, checks out what's in the bed & goes to the fridge.
I got lost!
Where are you?
In the car.
audience, ladies and gentlemen, I present to you my wife!
Mommy, why are all the cars beeping their horns?
there’s a wedding going on.
But isn’t the horn a warning
My husband and I had very happy twenty years. After that we met.
“I’ve had it with your silly remarks about my weight. I’m leaving you!”
“But honey, what about our child?”
you’re not pregnant?”
Wife to husband: “Honey, guess who’s not wearing any panties and bra today?”
Husband, “Ah, that’s why your face looks so stretched today!”
Childhood is when you go to the toilet in the night and then you run back
and jump in your bed, glad that the monster under the bed didn’t get you.
Adulthood is when the monster lies in the bed next to you.
At a medical check-up:
Do you do dangerous sports?
sometimes I talk back at my wife.
internet. In the end you just give up and go “I Agree”.
I’ve never been married, but I can imagine how it feels. I once had a stone
stuck in my shoe for 10 hours.
Husband and Wife Jokes
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