Little Johnny Jokes
„And, Johnny? How did your school report turn out?“ asks mother. „Come
on mom, the most important thing is that I’m healthy!“
Little Johnny walks a cow through the village square. The mayor sees him and
asks, “Hey Johnny, where are you going with the cow?”
“I’m taking her to
the bulls so she would get pregnant,” answers Johnny.
The mayor is
shocked, “Surely your father had better be doing that?”
thinks about it for a bit and shakes his head, “Nah, I think it’s really
best left with the bulls.”
Teacher: "Why are you praying in class little Johnny?”
Johnny: “My mom taught me to always pray before going to sleep."
– Little Johnny, why does your little sister cry?
– Because I helped her.
– But that is a good thing! What did you help her with?
– I helped
her eat her gummy bears.
Little Johnny asks the teacher, “Mrs Roberts, can I be punished for
something I haven’t done?”
Mrs Roberts is shocked, “Of course not,
Johnny, that would be very unfair!”
Little Johnny is relieved, “OK Mrs
Roberts, sorry, I haven’t done my homework.”
Little Johnny asks his mum, “Mum, do all fairy tales begin with ‘Once upon a
time in a faraway land’?”
“No darling,” says his mother, somewhat
distressed, “Sometimes, they can begin with ‘I’ve got too much work in the
office tonight, I’ll come home later’.”
Little Johnny comes home and tells his daddy, “Dad, tomorrow there’s a
special ‘Adults’ evening’ at school.
Daddy is surprised, “Really?
“Yes,” nods Johnny, “it will be just you, the teacher, the
headmaster and two police officers.”
Little Johnny plays “shoot the apple from the head” with his friends. The
first shot lands directly in his eye. “Ooowww man, you got me right in the
eye!” he complains to his friend.
But the other friend also wants a
go and persuades Johnny that he is a much better shot. But bingo, the second
shot gets Johnny in the other eye.
Johnny gives up: “Well I’ve had
it with this game, I’m going home. Mom said I should come back once it gets
After Sunday school, the teacher released the kids to go to church and
reminded them, “You all know to be very nice and quiet in the church. And
why is that?”
Little Johnny offers, "Miss, it’s so we wouldn’t wake all
those people sleeping."
Sunday school teacher asks Johnny, “Come now, Little Johnny, tell me the
truth, do you say your prayers before eating?”
Little Johnny smiles
proudly, “No Miss, there’s no need, my mom cooks really well.”
A teacher in Sunday school once asked Little Johnny, "Johnny, do you believe
in the Devil?"
"No," said Little Johnny knowledgeably. "It's just like
with Santa Claus. I know it's really my dad."
Miss Taylor the English teacher writes an incorrect sentence on the board:
“I didn’t had no fun for months.” Then she faces the class and says, “OK
class, how should this be corrected?”
Little Johnny says, “I think you
should get yourself a better man!”
Mother, “Johnny, if you keep being this naughty, you’ll get kids who will be
very naughty to you!”
Johnny: “Oh mom, do you realize what you
I asked little Johnny, 'What would you like for your birthday?'
said, 'Tampons please.'
I said, 'Tampons!? Why do you want tampons
for your birthday!?'
He replied, 'I saw a great TV ad. With a tampon
you can go swimming, biking and skiing.'
Little Johnny was sent back to bed for the tenth time that evening and his
mommy is not amused. She says, “Johnny, if I hear one more time ‘Mommy, I
want this, mommy, I want that’, you will be in big trouble! I don’t want
to hear the word mommy again tonight. Now off to bed you go!” There’s a
short pause, after which Johnny says hesitantly, “Mrs Lambden, I want a
glass of water, please.”
The teacher was trying to put to use her recent psychology education.
asked everyone in her class, "Alright, if any of you think you are stupid,
please stand up!"
A few seconds pass by and then Little Johnny stands
Startled, the teacher says, "Oh, do you think you're stupid, Little
"No, Miss, but I didn’t want to leave you standing all alone!"
Teacher asks Little Johnny, “Johnny, how old is your father?”
old as me,” Johnny informs her.
“Now how would that be possible?”
inquires the surprised teacher.
“Well – he became father the day I was
Little Johnny is making faces at school. The teacher catches him at it and
says, “You know when I was little and made faces, my dad told me a secret.
And that is that when you keep making faces, your face finally can’t go back
and you end up really ugly.”
Little Johnny quiets and says, “Well, at
least you were warned…”
Teacher: “If you had two dollars and you asked your daddy for another
dollar, how many dollars would you have in the end?”
Johnny answers, “Two dollars.”
Teacher isn’t happy, “Come on, Johnny, you
don’t know how to count.”
Johnny shrugs, “Maybe, but I do know my dad!”
Teacher asks his class one day, “What would you like to be when you grow
Johnny answers first, saying, “I will follow in my father’s footsteps
and become a policeman.”
Teacher raises his eyebrows, “Johnny, I didn’t know
your father is a policeman.”
“Well, he isn’t,” explains Johnny. “He’s a
During an English lesson, the teacher asks, "Can anyone give me an example
for the word ‘COINCIDENCE’?”
Little Johnny volunteers, "Sir, my mum and
dad were married on the same day."
Little Johnny comes proudly to his mom: “Mom, I’ve got a great idea for an
Mom: “Cool, tell me.”
Johnny: “It’s a computerized
hair-cutting machine. You put your head in a cube and the scissors cut
whatever hairstyle you wish.”
Mom: “But how would that work, Johnny?
People have all sorts of different head shapes and sizes!”
“Only before, mom. Only before!”
Teacher: Tell us, Johnny, where is your father staying on business?
Johnny: In Vishakhapatnam.
Teacher: How interesting. And now tell us
all how it is spelled.
Johnny: Oh, I just remembered he got reposted to Goa.
The class is having a guessing game and the teacher asks, “OK, what do you
call someone who keeps on talking even though nobody else is interested
Little Johnny shouts eagerly, “A teacher!”
Little Johnny comes home and his father sighs, "Allright, boy, out with
your report card."
Johnny says, "I don't have it, dad."
not?" asks his father.
"I borrowed it to my friend. He wanted to freak
out his parents."
Little Johnny to his mom: “I shot 4 goals at the soccer match today!”
Mom: “Wonderful, looks like your team won, right?”
Johnny: “Not really, we played 2:2.”
Teacher tells little Johnny off, “You know very well you can’t sleep in my
Johnny admits, “Yes, I know miss. But maybe, if you didn’t
speak quite so loud, I could.”
Little Johnny was late for school. The teacher asked him why, and Little
Johnny explained it was because he met a man who had lost his wallet on the
“Ah,” nodded the teacher, “you were helping him find it!”
“Um, not really,” said Johnny, “but I had to keep standing on it until
he would give up and go away.”
Teacher asks, “Who can tell me the chemical formula for water?”
Little Johnny pipes up, "HIJKLMNO"!
The teacher is puzzled, “What on
Earth are you talking about, Johnny?”
Little Johnny looks hurt, “But sir,
you yourself said yesterday that it's H to O!”
History teacher asks Little Johnny: Where was the French – English peace
treaty from 1800 signed?
Little Johnny: “Bottom right corner.”
English teacher asks class: “Which tense is the sentence ‘I AM
Little Johnny replies, “Clearly, past tense.”
Teacher tests Little Johnny, “OK, Johnny, create a sentence which starts
Little Johnny confidently starts, “I is...”
“No, Little Johnny. You must always say, ‘I am’.”
Little Johnny sighs,
“Yes ma’am. ‘I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.’"
Little Johnny peeks through the keyhole of his parents’ bedroom one night.
He stares for a minute and then, thoroughly disgusted, shakes his head, “And
these people tell me I shouldn’t pick my nose?!”