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Best Puns | Play on words | Double meaning jokes

Best first: A patient sobs to his doctor: “I feel like a pair of curtains!”
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Doctor: “Well pull yourself together man!”
 
    
 Best puns double meaning jokes

Pun intended.

 
My ex-wife still misses me. But her aim is steadily improving.

Daughter: „Mom, can I get a cat or a dog at Christmas, please?“
 
Mom: „No honey, you will be getting turkey, like every Christmas!“
My socks got really holy. I can only wear them to church.
Whenever I undress in the bathroom, my shower gets turned on.
If you spent your day in a well, can you say your day was well-spent?
I Googled "how to start a wildfire".

I got 48,500 matches.
A patient bursts into a doctor’s office, "Doctor, I believe I'm a deck of cards!"

The doctor calmly replies, "Go sit in the waiting room, please, I'll be dealing with you later."
A Spanish magician has a grand magical show and at the end he says he will disappear after counting to three. He starts to count, “Un, dos…”

Kazaam! He vanished without a tres.

A guy was admitted to hospital with 8 plastic horses in his stomach.

His condition is now stable.
Why did the balloon go near the needle?
 
He wanted to be a pop star.

I was hoping to steal some leftovers from the party but I guess my plans were foiled.
Which country’s capital is the fastest growing?
Ireland’s.
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Every year it’s Dublin.
Never date cross eyed people. They might be seeing somebody on the side!
Apparently taking a day off is not something you should do when you work for a calendar company.
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