The best anti-jokes!
Jokes that are so bad, dumb and silly, they are actually
Man to a butcher: "I'd like bull's
Butcher: "So would I"
Girl: So, how many times a day do you shave?
Man: Well, about 15-20
times every day.
Girl: My god, are you some kind of crazy?
Man: No, I’m a barber.
What is white
and flies up?
A retarded snowflake
“I am a master of fast calculations.”
“OK, what is 758 time 642
divided by 5?”
“Ha ha, that’s wrong!”
but it was fast!”
What is green and sits crying in the corner?
Why are pigs not allowed to ride bikes?
Because they lack the
thumbs to ring the bell.
What has four legs, one foot and one head?
Excuse me, may I disturb you shortly?
course, what is it?
Nothing, I just wanted to disturb you.
Where do we get virgin wool from? Ugly sheep.
What is white and sits on your TV?
A fly wearing a nightie.
Andy has 150 candy bars. He eats 125. What does Andy have now?
has diabetes now.
It has four legs and it can fly, what is it?
Paul: I have good news and bad news. Which do you want to hear first?
Michael: The good news.
Paul: The good news is that I have no bad
Whenever I’m sad I just read my blood donor ID. It always says “B
What did the cowboy say to the cow that stood on the barn roof?
Get down, cow!
A man drops his phone on a concrete floor. The phone is fine, no damage. How
He had it on airplane mode.
One twin to the other: "You are ugly."
transparent and smells like worms?
A bird's fart :-)
What is yellow and cannot swim?
only has one arm.
Last words of a highly poisonous snake?
"Drat, I bit myself on the
Why do bees hum?
They don't remember the text!
Q: What is blue and smells like red paint?
A: Blue paint.
Why are you giving me an apricot?
I heard there’s no way you can get
Why do cows wear bells?
Their horns don’t work.
A crying son runs to his mom: “Mom, mom, (sniff), Grandpa slapped me in the
Grandpa approaches: “Stop lying or I’ll do it again!”
into a bar and orders water. Bartender apologizes, "Sorry sir but we're
currently out of water." What does Helium do? It doesn't react.
A woman starts chatting to a man on a subway: "Hello my name is Margaret."
The man replies: "Mine not."
What do you get when you cross a dog and an antenna?
Two skyscrapers are sitting in the cellar, knitting gasoline.
there anything odd about this?
Of course – you can only crochet
happen if you threw blue sneakers into the Red Sea?
They would get wet.
I never knew eggs were good for the eyes, but my cousin claims they gave him
How can you open a banana?
With a monkey!
What would you call a very funny mountain?
Question: What is green and has big, sturdy wheels?
grass. The wheels were a lie.
What do you get when you crossbreed a mail pigeon and a parrot?
A mail pigeon who stops to ask for directions.
What is Jesus favorite food? Cheeses.
What tea can vary in taste from bitter to sweet?
You’ll never believe whom I saw yesterday! Everybody I laid my eyes on!“
Two grains of sand go through the desert. One to the other: "I have the
feeling somebody is watching me."
Oh, they were laughing when I told them I’m becoming a stand-up
comedian. Well, ha! They’re not laughing now!”
Two undies meet, one says to the other, "Hey, have you been on holiday? You
got so nice and brown!"
What would Bears become without Bees?
Two tomatoes walk across the street. One of them screams: "Careful
there is a truck comi...SPLASH!!!!"
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: It just felt like it.
If I were to choose between dating and eating a soup – I think I’d
rather eat the soup. Not much point in dating it.
What is yellow
and smells of bananas? Ape vomit.
What do you get when you wake up on a workday and realize you ran
out of coffee?
Do you know what were my grandpa’s last words before he kicked the
How far do you think I can kick this bucket here?
A horse goes into a bar.
Barkeeper: "Why such a long face?"
“In our traditional farm hotel, you are woken by the call of the
“Very good, please tell him 9 o’clock.”
How can you tell you have an elephant in your bedroom?
By the big "E" on
What is small, grey and triangular?
The shadow of the green triangle!
What does a hippie say to a horse?
What is white and rolls up a mountain slope?
An avalanche who wants
to get home because it’s gotten dark already.
A gummy bear sits on a power line and says to the other gummy bear, "brzzztbrzzztbbbbrzzztbrrrrzt"
Why did the elephant wear green socks?
Because the red ones were wet.
did the elephant swim on his back?
So his green ones wouldn't get wet
Why is the butt divided vertically and not horizontally? It would clap
nicely if you ran down the stairs. Ok, now stop imagining it.
At the movies: “Sorry we’re all sold out down to the last place.”
“Excellent, I’ll have the last place then.”
What is a cannibal’s natural first choice in a restaurant?
A guy orders at a bakery, "I'd like 19 buns please."
The baker suggests, "I
think you should take 20, sir."
"Why?" asks the man, puzzled.
replies, "That way, you would have one more!"
What is yellow
and black and flies?
A group of mustard seeds in leather jackets!
When a tampon and a sanitary pad are competing at the races, which of
them is going to win?
The pad! The tampon keeps tripping on the string.
What is black and white and waits on the washing line?
A fly in a wedding dress.
Dad to his son: " I have nothing against us sharing an opinion, as long
as it means that I keep my opinion and you share mine."
What is the difference between an eggplant and a chicken?
They're both purple, except for the chicken.
Two cows sit in the basement, chopping up oil.
A screwdriver goes in through
the door, goes up the wall, crosses the ceiling, heads back down the other wall
and goes out through the second door.
One cow looks at the other and says,
"This is insane, did you see that?" "Yeah, totally insane, he never greets."
What do you call an alligator that’s wearing a vest?
What does a farmer say when he's looking for his tractor?
What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?
What is green, small, hairy and has three white points?
Well - nothing,
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