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Top Bad Jokes / Really Stupid :-)

Best first: What sits up a tree and goes "Aaaaaah"? An owl with a speech impediment.
    
 Bad, silly, dumb jokes

The best anti-jokes!

Jokes that are so bad, dumb and silly, they are actually really good...

 
Man to a butcher: "I'd like bull's testicles."
 
Butcher: "So would I"

Girl: So, how many times a day do you shave?

Man: Well, about 15-20 times every day.

Girl: My god, are you some kind of crazy?

Man: No, I’m a barber.
What’s black, red, black, red, black, red?
-
A zebra with a sun burn.
“I am a master of fast calculations.”
-
“OK, what is 758 time 642 divided by 5?”
-
“22!”
-
“Ha ha, that’s wrong!”
-
“Might be, but it was fast!”
 What is green and sits crying in the corner?
 
The incredible Sulk.
Why are pigs not allowed to ride bikes?

Because they lack the thumbs to ring the bell.
What has four legs, one foot and one head?
-
A bed.
At work:

Excuse me, may I disturb you shortly?
 -
Of course, what is it?
-
Nothing, I just wanted to disturb you.
Where do we get virgin wool from? Ugly sheep.
What is white and sits on your TV?

A fly wearing a nightie.
Andy has 150 candy bars. He eats 125. What does Andy have now?

Andy has diabetes now.
It has four legs and it can fly, what is it?
-
Two birds.
Paul: I have good news and bad news. Which do you want to hear first?

Michael: The good news.

Paul: The good news is that I have no bad news.
Whenever I’m sad I just read my blood donor ID. It always says “B
positive”.
What did the cowboy say to the cow that stood on the barn roof?
 -
Get down, cow!
One twin to the other: "You are ugly."
What is transparent and smells like worms?
-
A bird's fart :-)
What is yellow and cannot swim?
-
An excavator!
-
And why?
-
Because it only has one arm.
What is the tallest piece of furniture?
 -
The bookcase. It’s got the most stories.
Last words of a highly poisonous snake?
 
"Drat, I bit myself on the tongue!"
Q: What is blue and smells like red paint?
-
A: Blue paint.
Why are you giving me an apricot?
-
I heard there’s no way you can get a date.
Why do cows wear bells?
 
Their horns don’t work.
A crying son runs to his mom: “Mom, mom, (sniff), Grandpa slapped me in the face.”
 -
Grandpa approaches: “Stop lying or I’ll do it again!”
Helium walks into a bar and orders water. Bartender apologizes, "Sorry sir but we're currently out of water." What does Helium do? It doesn't react.
A woman starts chatting to a man on a subway: "Hello my name is Margaret."
-
The man replies: "Mine not."
 What do you get when you cross a dog and an antenna?
-
A Golden Receiver.
It’s always scary when a computer turns into a zombie. It has many mega-bites.
Two skyscrapers are sitting in the cellar, knitting gasoline.

Is there anything odd about this?

Of course – you can only crochet gasoline!
What would happen if you threw blue sneakers into the Red Sea?
-
They would get wet.
I never knew eggs were good for the eyes, but my cousin claims they gave him eggcelent vision.
How can you open a banana?
-
With a monkey!
What would you call a very funny mountain?
-
Hill Arious"
Question: What is green and has big, sturdy wheels?
-
Answer: The grass. The wheels were a lie.
What do you get when you crossbreed a mail pigeon and a parrot?
 
A mail pigeon who stops to ask for directions.
Why do we consider chickens as friendly animals?
-
Because they lay their eggs instead of throwing them.
What tea can vary in taste from bitter to sweet?
-
Realitea.
You’ll never believe whom I saw yesterday! Everybody I laid my eyes on!
Two grains of sand go through the desert. One to the other: "I have the feeling somebody is watching me."
Oh, they were laughing when I told them I’m becoming a stand-up comedian. Well, ha! They’re not laughing now!
Two undies meet, one says to the other, "Hey, have you been on holiday? You got so nice and brown!"
 What would Bears become without Bees?
-
Just ears.
Two tomatoes walk across the street. One of them screams: "Careful there is a truck comi...SPLASH!!!!"
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
-
A: It just felt like it.
If I were to choose between dating and eating a soup – I think I’d rather eat the soup. Not much point in dating it.
What is yellow and smells of bananas? Ape vomit.
Do you know what were my grandpa’s last words before he kicked the bucket?
 
How far do you think I can kick this bucket here?
A horse goes into a bar.
-
Barkeeper: "Why such a long face?"
“In our traditional farm hotel, you are woken by the call of the cockerel!”

“Very good, please tell him 9 o’clock.”
How can you tell you have an elephant in your bedroom?

By the big "E" on his pajamas.
What is small, grey and triangular?

The shadow of the green triangle!
What is white and rolls up a mountain slope?
-
An avalanche who wants to get home because it’s gotten dark already.
A gummy bear sits on a power line and says to the other gummy bear, "brzzztbrzzztbbbbrzzztbrrrrzt"
Why did the elephant wear green socks?
-
Because the red ones were wet.

Why did the elephant swim on his back?
-
So his green ones wouldn't get wet too.
Why is the butt divided vertically and not horizontally? It would clap nicely if you ran down the stairs. Ok, now stop imagining it.
At the movies: “Sorry we’re all sold out down to the last place.”
“Excellent, I’ll have the last place then.”

What is a cannibal’s natural first choice in a restaurant?
 
The waiter.
A guy orders at a bakery, "I'd like 19 buns please."

The baker suggests, "I think you should take 20, sir."

"Why?" asks the man, puzzled.

The baker replies, "That way, you would have one more!"
What is yellow and black and flies?
-
A group of mustard seeds in leather jackets!

When a tampon and a sanitary pad are competing at the races, which of them is going to win?

The pad! The tampon keeps tripping on the string.
What is black and white and waits on the washing line?
-
A fly in a wedding dress.
Dad to his son: " I have nothing against us sharing an opinion, as long as it means that I keep my opinion and you share mine."
What is the difference between an eggplant and a chicken?
 
They're both purple, except for the chicken.
Two cows sit in the basement, chopping up oil.

 A screwdriver goes in through the door, goes up the wall, crosses the ceiling, heads back down the other wall and goes out through the second door.

 One cow looks at the other and says, "This is insane, did you see that?" "Yeah, totally insane, he never greets."
What do you call an alligator that’s wearing a vest?
 
An investigator.
When I’m bored, I imitate everybody.
-
But that’s no way for an adult to behave.
-
But that’s no way for an adult to behave.
-
Come on, stop being stupid.
-
Come on, stop being stupid.
How did Moses cut the sea in half?
-
With a seasaw.
What does a farmer say when he's looking for his tractor?
-
"Where is my tractor?"
The last 4 letters in the word "queue" are silent. Can they be waiting their turn?
What is green, small, hairy and has three white points?

Well - nothing, really.



 
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