Amazingly funny quotes
Funny, witty, sarcastic, amazing - the best the cream of society came up with and was
You know you’re getting old when you stop to tie your shoelaces and wonder
what else you could do while you’re down there.
I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a
bike and asked for forgiveness.
If at first you don’t succeed . . . so much for skydiving.
“Wouldn’t exercise be more fun if calories screamed while you burned them?“
I grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance–waiting for the
I have Alzheimer’s bulimia – first I eat everything in sight and then I
forget to puke.
Cindy from Marzahn
When I die, I want to go
peacefully like my grandfather did – in his sleep. Not yelling and screaming
like the passengers in his car.
I intend to live forever. So far, so
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.
A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every
year. I told him, “At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas."
Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another
First the doctor told me
the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.
The last woman I was in was the Statue of
Honolulu – it’s got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife,
sharks for the wife’s mother.
A quick word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with me,
she said ”no”.
a Latin word meaning “many”; and "tics" meaning “bloodsucking creatures”.
Friendship is like peeing on yourself:
everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.
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