Fresh and Funny!
Why did my washing machine stop pumping out water?
importantly, where is my hamster?
Father: “Son, you were adopted.”
Son: “What?! I knew it! I want
to meet my biological parents!”
Father: “We are your biological
parents. Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in 20 minutes.”
Excuse me, didn’t you forget to flush the toilet?
Of course I did,
otherwise it wouldn’t stink like this, would it?
A guy tells his friend, “Man I think my wife may be dead…”
Friend: “What?! Why would you think that?”
Guy: “Well in bed
she’s the same as ever but the kitchen got quite messy…”
Don’t you hate it when you come to somebody’s place and they just can’t shut
up asking you stupid questions like “what do you want” and “who are you” and
“omg is that a real gun?”
My neighbor came at me really aggressively, asking if I knew anything about
her underwear disappearing from her clothes line.
I can tell you I
nearly shit her pants.
What method of contraception do you use?
I’m always really nice
- Peter, 32, best friend of many, many women
Would you cheat on your wife?
On whom else would I be cheating?!
Judge: “Why did you steal the car?”
Man: “I had to get to work.”
Judge: “Why didn’t you take the bus?”
Man: I don’t have a driver’s
license for the bus.
I’m not happy with this and I’d like to exchange it please.
again? That’s your bank statement Mr Dibbley!
I said exchange it!!!
New joke category: One Liners
| Geek Jokes
| Thanksgiving Jokes
In a bakery:
Man to the shop assistant: “I’ll have that thing there,
Shop assistant: “Cupcake?”
Man: “OK, Cupcake, I’ll
have that thing there, please.”
New category: Shower Thoughts
I’ve read so many horrible things about drinking and smoking recently that I
made a new, firm New Year’s resolution: NO MORE READING!
Two blind dudes are fighting really viciously. How do you stop them?
You shout, “I’m betting on the dude with the knife!”
Some nice Chinese couple gave me a very good camera down by the Washington
I didn’t really understand what they were
saying, but it was very nice of them.
Mom, do you know that most of my friends got the new iPhone already?
Son, do you know the foster home down by the crossroads?
Did anyone notice that the “&”symbol looks like a dog dragging his butt
across the floor?
One friend to another:
I really can’t believe that after all that
enormous shit they are together again.
What? Who are you talking
My butt cheeks, hahahahah :-D
A guy goes to the doctor: “Please help me doc. I have this horrible blinking
in my right eye that I just can’t control.”
Doctor: “Ah come
on, it’s not so bad as you think.”
Guy: “Oh, you think?! Every
time I go to the pharmacy to get some painkillers, they give me condoms!”
Reporter interviews a man: “Sir, you’ve lived next to this highway for 20
years, do you feel that it has somehow influenced you?”
man: “NOOooooo, NOOoooo, NOOooo…”
Just imagine, you’re a pair of jogging pants. You expect a nice and easy
life of lying on the sofa. And then WTF?! You get bought by an ambitious
A cannibal is invited to a teambuilding week in the mountains.
instructions say he can also bring one friend.
But when he arrives,
he brings ten people. The organizer is shocked: “Come on Alan, what the
heck, the invitation said you can only bring one person!”
it also said bring your own food, didn’t it?!”
At a psychiatric ward: “Doctor, what should we do with the new guy in room
6? He believes he’s a wolf.”
Doctor: “Whatever you do, don’t let
his grandmother visit!”
I’ve just been to the drugstore and saw that they’re selling lemon-scented
Yeah, this really makes sense actually because
lemon goes very well with fish.
Hey Sue, what do you say to a nice walk?
Oh Harry, that would
Wonderful. Could you bring me some beer and
cigarettes on your way back?
Mobile - Update
Tablet – Update
Laptop - Update
TV – Update
Gaming console – Update
Somehow I’m afraid to plug in the iron.
Police officer to a driver: “OK, driver’s license, vehicle license, first
aid kit and warning triangle.”
Driver: “Nah, I’ve already got
all that. But how much for that funny Captain’s cap?“
New category:Cute Jokes
New category: Cross the Road Jokes
Last night a Chinese guy came to my favorite bar.
I asked him
if he knew Kung Fu or some other martial art.
He said, “Why do you
ask me that? Is it just because I’m Chinese?!”
“No it’s because
you’re drinking MY beer!“
If I ever go missing, you should put my picture on beer rather than milk
bottles. This way, my friends will find me faster.
I was going to start a Procrastinators Club. But then I realized I’d have to
reject anyone who actually turned up at the meeting so I decided to put it
I heard the Secret Service had to change their commands.
say "Get down!" anymore when the President is under attack.
You sneak into my room, unnoticed; you gently touch one bit of my naked body
after the other until you find the most desirable place, then you start
sucking. Stupid mosquitoes!
I read the mass chicken farms pump chickens full of antibiotics. Well, that
would at least explain why chicken soup is so good when you have a cold.
Today, I found a mosquito, I sat right next to it and kept on buzzing so he
would see what it’s like, not being able to sleep!
“I want to be an astronaut!”
“I thought they didn’t send monkeys to
“Exactly, so no chance of a visit from you then!”I did a self-defense course. I wouldn’t recommend anyone to attack me in
slow motion now.
They say you can’t get a decent job without education. But look at Albert
Einstein – he was a drop-out and still ended up being the first man on the
A question on an internet forum:
Q: Please help, I have this great
itching between my toes.
A: Well, that depends. If the itching is
between all toes, consult a dermatologist. If the itching bothers you only
between your two big toes, consult a gynecologist.
What can I eat in the evening in front of the TV that wouldn’t make me
>> I love to help in those online Q&A
I hope the children will never find out why I say ‘oooops….” so often
when I vacuum their rooms.
New category: Fun Facts
| Dad Jokes
Doctor, how can I live longer than 100 years?
Do you smoke?
Do you eat too much?
Do you go to bed late?
Do you have affairs with promiscuous women?
Then why would
you want to live more than 100 years?
That awkward moment when you realize the guy in front of you in the “10
items maximum” express cashier line has 11 things in his trolley...
Bishop to the Pope: Congratulations on your name’s day Your Holiness!
Pope: But today we do not commemorate the name of Benedict?
It is the 16th, though.
My step mother came to me and demanded that I take all her clothes off.
So I took off her blouse.
She said, “Now off with the skirt.”
I did, and she continued, “Now take off my stockings.”
And when I
did that, she said, “Now the bra and the panties.”
I took them off.
She continued, “And don’t ever let me catch you wearing my stuff again!”
New category: Cat Jokes
A student at a management school came up to a pretty girl and hugged her
without any warning.
The surprised girl said, “What was that?”
The guy smiled at her, “Direct marketing!”
The girl slapped him
“What was that?!” said the boy, holding his cheek.
New category: Clean Jokes
I fear my neighbor may be stalking me, she's been googling my name last
night on her computer.
I saw it clearly through my binoculars.
New category: Fart Jokes
Funny Riddles and Answers
New categories: Knock Knock Jokes
New categories: Christmas
| Marriage Jokes
How many Germans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Just one. They’re
fiercely efficient and not really given to jokes.
Joke for mothers:
When your first child eats some earth, a bit of grass or a
worm, you take it to a doctor. When your second child eats some earth, a bit
of grass or a worm, you spit on a hankie and clean it. When your third child
eats some earth, a bit of grass or a worm, you wonder whether it still needs
is about to leave his office and says: "Ok, let's piss off now."
You know you’re old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
When somebody makes you really angry, count to three. When you get to
two, punch them in the face. They won’t be expecting that.
Two immigrants from Africa arrive in the United States and are discussing
the difference between their country and the U.S.
One of them
mentions he's heard that people in the U.S. eat dogs, and if they're going
to fit in, they better eat dogs as well. So they head to the nearest hot dog
stand and order two 'dogs.'
The first guy unwraps his, looks at it,
and nervously looks at his friend.
"Which part did you get?"
An elderly man was on the operating
table, about to be operated on by his son, a famous surgeon. Just
before they put him under, he asked to speak to his son:
"Don’t be nervous,
boy, just do your best and just remember, if it
doesn’t go well, if something happens to me… your mother is going to come
and live with you and your family."
That awkward moment
when you have eye contact while eating a banana.
My dog once ate all the Scrabble tiles. He kept leaving messages
around the house for days.
Two men are stranded on a deserted island. One despairs, but the other one
claps him assuredly on the back and says, “Don’t worry, they will definitely
find us, and soon.”
“Really? Why do you think so?”
“I owe the IRS five years’ worth of taxes.”
Q: How long does a Russian need to reach a BAC of 0,8?
A: About two
days of no drinking.
New category: Prank Ideas / Practical jokes
Why do people never eat clocks?
Because it’s really time
There’s that moment when you put your steak on the grill and your mouth
waters all over from that amazing smell.
Do you vegans feel the same when
you mow the grass?“
Do you know how to make a dumb person curious?”
“I’ll tell you tomorrow.”
New joke category: Dog Jokes
New category: Pirate
To be stung by a mosquito is not very pleasant. But the thought that an
insect with just 10 brain cells could mess up your entire night is something
Important note from a car manual:
at a tree significantly reduces your trunk space.
“Excuse me, sir, have you seen a police officer around?”
“No, not a soul,
“Very good, now give me your wallet, watch and laptop!”