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New Jokes 2016 / 2017

Best first: One of the most wonderful things in life is to wake up and enjoy a cuddle with somebody; unless you are in prison.
    
 new Jokes

New Jokes

 
Fresh and Funny!
Reporter interviews a man: “Sir, you’ve lived next to this highway for 20 years, do you feel that it has somehow influenced you?”
 
The man: “NOOooooo, NOOoooo, NOOooo…”

A cannibal is invited to a teambuilding week in the mountains.
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The instructions say he can also bring one friend.
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But when he arrives, he brings ten people. The organizer is shocked: “Come on Alan, what the heck, the invitation said you can only bring one person!”
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Yeah, but it also said bring your own food, didn’t it?!”
I was doing my best to look really sexy today. Sadly – and despite my protests, they brought me to the hospital suspecting a stroke.
At a psychiatric ward: “Doctor, what should we do with the new guy in room 6? He believes he’s a wolf.”
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Doctor: “Whatever you do, don’t let his grandmother visit!”
Hey Sue, what do you say to a nice walk?
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Oh Harry, that would be lovely!
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Wonderful. Could you bring me some beer and cigarettes on your way back?
A woman caught her husband on the weight scale, sucking in his stomach.
 
“That won’t help you, Joe, you know?”

“Oh it helps a lot,” says the man, “it’s the only way I can see the numbers!”
Police officer to a driver: “OK, driver’s license, vehicle license, first aid kit and warning triangle.”
 
Driver: “Nah, I’ve already got all that. But how much for that funny Captain’s cap?“
New category:Cute Jokes
You stole my Microsoft Office and for that you’re going to pay.
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You have my Word!
I was sitting in a bar one day and two really large women came in, talking in an interesting accent.

So I said, “Cool accent, are you two ladies from Ireland?”

One of them snarled at me, “It’s Wales, dumbo!”

So I corrected myself, “Oh, right, so are you two whales from Ireland?”

That’s about as far as I remember.
Job interview in a psychiatry:

So you’re interested in working with us. What is your experience with mentally disturbed people?
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I’ve been on Facebook for 5 years now.
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Very good, the job is yours.

When I greeted my boss in the morning, he told me to have a good day.
 
Who am I to argue? So I thanked him and went back home.
I’m already doing 60 in a 30 mph zone and still that guy is sticking to me. And now he’s blinding me with these fancy blinking blue lights. The world is full of psychos! 
“Wow, you’ve got some serious dance moves girl!”
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“Please don't talk to me right now. I need to pee!”
Wow you look great! Did you lose weight?”

“Hey – did you just call me ugly and fat in retrospect?!”
Not every badly unkempt guy is homeless. It could well be that he lives with 3 females and only 1 bathroom.

A German, an American and a Russian walk into a bar.

The bartender looks at them suspiciously and says, “Is this some kind of a joke?”
My coughing is much better now. I only set off 2 dogs barking in the night instead of 4.
I was making Russian tea. Unfortunately I cannot fish the teabag out of the vodka bottle.
Waiter? I’m sorry, but I cannot eat all this. Would you be so kind and pack it for me? To take away?
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But sir, this is a buffet.
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Pack it up I said!
Late one night a mugger wearing a mask stopped a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs. "Give me your money," he demanded. Scandalized, the man replied, "You can’t do this – I’m a US Congressman!" "Oh! In that case," smiled the robber, "Give me MY money!"
I broke my personal record for a 100 meter dash: I’m on 64 meters.
Do not go to the bathroom in a dream. It’s a trap!
I saw a poster today, somebody was asking “Have you seen my cat?” So I called the number and said that I didn’t. I like to help where I can.
Why is women’s soccer so rare?
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It’s quite hard to find enough women willing to wear the same outfit.
I just like to sleep naked. The air-hostess could have been a bit more understanding.
New category: Cross the Road Jokes
Last night a Chinese guy came to my favorite bar.

 I asked him if he knew Kung Fu or some other martial art.

He said, “Why do you ask me that? Is it just because I’m Chinese?!”

“No it’s because you’re drinking MY beer!“
If I got 50 cents for every failed math exam, I’d have $ 6.30 now.
A police officer stops a car.
 
Officer: “Your driver’s license please.”
 
Driver: “I’m really sorry, I forgot.”
 
Officer: “At home?”
 
Driver: “No, to do it.”
What do you get when you cross a bear with a skunk?
 
Winnie the Pooh.
If I ever go missing, you should put my picture on beer rather than milk bottles. This way, my friends will find me faster.
I was going to start a Procrastinators Club. But then I realized I’d have to reject anyone who actually turned up at the meeting so I decided to put it off again.
You sneak into my room, unnoticed; you gently touch one bit of my naked body after the other until you find the most desirable place, then you start sucking. Stupid mosquitoes!
Father buys a lie detector that makes a loud beep whenever somebody tells a lie.

The son comes home in the afternoon. Father asks him, “So, you were at school today, right?”

Son: “Yeah.”

Detector: “Beep.“

Son: “OK, OK, I was in a cinema.”

Detector: “Beep.”

Son: “Alright, I went for a beer with my friends.”

Father: “What?! At your age, I wouldn’t touch alcohol!“

Detector: “Beep.”

Mother laughs: “Ha ha ha, well, he really is your son!”

Detector: “Beep.”
Today, I found a mosquito, I sat right next to it and kept on buzzing so he would see what it’s like, not being able to sleep!
Truly delicious tofu recipe:

1) Chuck the tofu.

2) Fry a juicy steak.
I did a self-defense course. I wouldn’t recommend anyone to attack me in slow motion now. 
They say you can’t get a decent job without education. But look at Albert Einstein – he was a drop-out and still ended up being the first man on the moon!
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark's teeth?
 
The slow swimmer.
A question on an internet forum:

Q: Please help, I have this great itching between my toes.

A: Well, that depends. If the itching is between all toes, consult a dermatologist. If the itching bothers you only between your two big toes, consult a gynecologist.
The inventor of AutoCorrect is a stupid mass hole. He can fake right off.
I read the mass chicken farms pump chickens full of antibiotics. Well, that would at least explain why chicken soup is so good when you have a cold.
Men 1845: I just killed a buffalo.

Men 1952: I just fixed the roof.

Men 2017: I just shaved my legs.
What can I eat in the evening in front of the TV that wouldn’t make me fat?
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Your fingernails.

>> I love to help in those online Q&A communities.
I hope the children will never find out why I say ‘oooops….” so often when I vacuum their rooms.
New category: Fun Facts | Dad Jokes
Fantastic exercise that really helps you to lose weight: Turn your head to the left. Good. Now turn your head to the right. Very good. Repeat this exercise whenever you are offered any food.
Doctor, how can I live longer than 100 years?

Do you smoke?
No.

Do you eat too much?
No.

Do you go to bed late?
No.

Do you have affairs with promiscuous women?
No.

Then why would you want to live more than 100 years?
Whatever you do, always give it your 100%. Unless you are donating blood.
Bishop to the Pope: Congratulations on your name’s day Your Holiness!
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Pope: But today we do not commemorate the name of Benedict?
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Bishop: It is the 16th, though.
Shortest joke a software developer can tell:

“I’ll be ready soon.”
New category: Cat Jokes | Redneck Jokes
My girlfriend says that I am snoopy. But OK, maybe she meant it differently when she wrote it in her diary.
A student at a management school came up to a pretty girl and hugged her without any warning.

The surprised girl said, “What was that?”

The guy smiled at her, “Direct marketing!”

The girl slapped him soundly.

“What was that?!” said the boy, holding his cheek.

“Customer feedback.”
Be polite to every idiot you meet. He could be your boss tomorrow.
 I called the hospital but the line was dead.
New category: Clean Jokes
I fear my neighbor may be stalking me, she's been googling my name last night on her computer.

I saw it clearly through my binoculars.
Yes, I’ve lost to my computer at chess. But it turned out to be no match for me at kickboxing.
New category: Fart Jokes | Funny Riddles and Answers
New categories: Knock Knock Jokes | Puns
New categories: Christmas jokes | Funny Videos | Marriage Jokes
How many Germans does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Just one. They’re fiercely efficient and not really given to jokes.
 Joke for mothers:

When your first child eats some earth, a bit of grass or a worm, you take it to a doctor. When your second child eats some earth, a bit of grass or a worm, you spit on a hankie and clean it. When your third child eats some earth, a bit of grass or a worm, you wonder whether it still needs lunch.
The urologist is about to leave his office and says: "Ok, let's piss off now."
Today I went to a barber’s shop for a shave. The barber asked me to put a small wooden ball in my mouth so he could get a closer shave around my cheeks.

I asked: “But what if I swallow the ball?”

He replied: “No problem sir, you just bring it back tomorrow like everybody else.”
You know you’re old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
When somebody makes you really angry, count to three. When you get to two, punch them in the face. They won’t be expecting that.
Two immigrants from Africa arrive in the United States and are discussing the difference between their country and the U.S.

One of them mentions he's heard that people in the U.S. eat dogs, and if they're going to fit in, they better eat dogs as well. So they head to the nearest hot dog stand and order two 'dogs.'

The first guy unwraps his, looks at it, and nervously looks at his friend.

"Which part did you get?"
Two state clerks meet in the corridor. One asks the other, "Couldn't sleep either?"
An elderly man was on the operating table, about to be operated on by his son, a famous surgeon. Just before they put him under, he asked to speak to his son:
 
"Don’t be nervous, boy, just do your best and just remember, if it doesn’t go well, if something happens to me… your mother is going to come and live with you and your family."
Bruce Lee’s all-time favorite drink? Wataaaaaaaah!
Daddy what is a transvestite?
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Ask Mommy, he knows.
So much has changed since my girlfriend told me we’re having a baby. For instance my name, address and telephone number!
That awkward moment when you have eye contact while eating a banana.
My dog once ate all the Scrabble tiles. He kept leaving messages around the house for days.
Two men are stranded on a deserted island. One despairs, but the other one claps him assuredly on the back and says, “Don’t worry, they will definitely find us, and soon.”

“Really? Why do you think so?”

“I owe the IRS five years’ worth of taxes.”
Q: How long does a Russian need to reach a BAC of 0,8?

A: About two days of no drinking.
Waiter, I am outraged. There is one hair in my soup.
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And what do you expect for this price? A whole wig?!
"So what are you doing today?"
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"Nothing."
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"What the heck, you were doing nothing the whole day yesterday!"
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"That's right, and I'm not finished yet."
New category: Prank Ideas / Practical jokes
Why do people never eat clocks?
 
Because it’s really time consuming.
There’s that moment when you put your steak on the grill and your mouth waters all over from that amazing smell.

Do you vegans feel the same when you mow the grass?“
Do you know how to make a dumb person curious?”
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“No, how?”
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“I’ll tell you tomorrow.”
New joke category: Dog Jokes

I thought I’d tell you a good time travel joke – but you didn't like it.
New category: Pirate Jokes
To be stung by a mosquito is not very pleasant. But the thought that an insect with just 10 brain cells could mess up your entire night is something quite different.
My cat got ran over by a truck yesterday and survived.
 
I'm worried.
Important note from a car manual:

Backing rapidly at a tree significantly reduces your trunk space.
“Excuse me, sir, have you seen a police officer around?”
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“No, not a soul, actually.”
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“Very good, now give me your wallet, watch and laptop!”
What is see-through and smells of carrots?
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A rabbit fart.


 


 
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