Fresh and Funny!
Judge: “Why did you steal the car?”
Man: “I had to get to work.”
Judge: “Why didn’t you take the bus?”
Man: I don’t have a driver’s
license for the bus.
New joke category: One
“Mirror mirror on the wall, who’s the prettiest of them all?”
“OK, could you step aside a bit? I can’t see, you’re too fat.”
Two pigeons fly around. One of them says: “Be careful, there’s a light
The other one replies: “Stop reminding me constantly!”
Man with a beard 100 years ago: “OK, I’ll go chop down some trees.”
Man with a beard now: “I found a great face mask that’s gluten-free.”
Three doctors are talking about death.
The first, a dentist, says,
“When I die, I think I’d like my tombstone to be shaped like a tooth made of
“Hey,” adds the cardiologist, “that’s not a bad idea,
I’d love my tombstone to be shaped as a heart…”
gynecologist is silent for a bit, then says, “I think scattering of the
ashes is my option.”
Wife calls her husband and says, “Darling, the car is broken, it won’t
“What?! It’s in perfect order, what’s wrong with it?”
“It’s water in the carburetor, love.”
“Oh no, where are you
“Um, in the little lake behind the house…”
North Korea recently changed their volume measurement system. The liter is
now only to be called the dear liter.
I have a bumper sticker saying, "Honk if you think I'm sexy".
Some days I
just stand at a green light till I’m feeling good about myself.
My new 1000 watt sound system is great! I can control the volume of my
neighbor's banging on my door.
In a bakery:
Man to the shop assistant: “I’ll have that thing there,
Shop assistant: “Cupcake?”
Man: “OK, Cupcake, I’ll
have that thing there, please.”
New category: Shower Thoughts
I’ve read so many horrible things about drinking and smoking recently that I
made a new, firm New Year’s resolution: NO MORE READING!
Some nice Chinese couple gave me a very good camera down by the Washington
I didn’t really understand what they were
saying, but it was very nice of them.
Mom, do you know that most of my friends got the new iPhone already?
Son, do you know the foster home down by the crossroads?
“Oh no, Roger, why did you two split up?”
“She’s a liar and a
cheat! She said she was the whole night and her sister’s!”
Maybe she was.”
“Yeah, no way. I was the whole night at her
A German driver was pulled over on a Polish highway by the local police.
Polish policeman: "What’s your name, sir?"
Policeman: "OK. Age?"
Helmut: "Oh no, I’m only visiting."
Did anyone notice that the “&”symbol looks like a dog dragging his butt
across the floor?
Wife sends a text message to her husband on a really cold winter morning:
Windows are totally frozen, will not open.
“Carefully pour some warm water over it and tap the edges first with your
hand, if that doesn’t work, then gently with a hammer.”
later, the wife texts back: “Oh no, I think the laptop is now totally gone.”
One friend to another:
I really can’t believe that after all that
enormous shit they are together again.
What? Who are you talking
My butt cheeks, hahahahah :-D
A guy goes to the doctor: “Please help me doc. I have this horrible blinking
in my right eye that I just can’t control.”
Doctor: “Ah come
on, it’s not so bad as you think.”
Guy: “Oh, you think?! Every
time I go to the pharmacy to get some painkillers, they give me condoms!”
Reporter interviews a man: “Sir, you’ve lived next to this highway for 20
years, do you feel that it has somehow influenced you?”
man: “NOOooooo, NOOoooo, NOOooo…”
Just imagine, you’re a pair of jogging pants. You expect a nice and easy
life of lying on the sofa. And then WTF?! You get bought by an ambitious
A cannibal is invited to a teambuilding week in the mountains.
instructions say he can also bring one friend.
But when he arrives,
he brings ten people. The organizer is shocked: “Come on Alan, what the
heck, the invitation said you can only bring one person!”
it also said bring your own food, didn’t it?!”
At a psychiatric ward: “Doctor, what should we do with the new guy in room
6? He believes he’s a wolf.”
Doctor: “Whatever you do, don’t let
his grandmother visit!”
I’ve just been to the drugstore and saw that they’re selling lemon-scented
Yeah, this really makes sense actually because
lemon goes very well with fish.
Hey Sue, what do you say to a nice walk?
Oh Harry, that would
Wonderful. Could you bring me some beer and
cigarettes on your way back?
Do you have a cat? And are you not a fan of house chores?
little tip: Make your cat full of static electricity by rubbing her with a
balloon and then use a laser pointer to have her go on all your dusty
shelves and surfaces.
There you go, dusting is a chore of yesterday.
Mobile - Update
Tablet – Update
Laptop - Update
TV – Update
Gaming console – Update
Somehow I’m afraid to plug in the iron.
Police officer to a driver: “OK, driver’s license, vehicle license, first
aid kit and warning triangle.”
Driver: “Nah, I’ve already got
all that. But how much for that funny Captain’s cap?“
New category:Cute Jokes
You stole my Microsoft Office and for that you’re going to pay.
Web site log in: Sorry, your password 257EeffQ@# is not secure enough.
Cash machine login 1234: Here’s your 1000 dollars.
When I greeted my boss in the morning, he told me to have a good day.
Who am I to argue? So I thanked him and went back home.
I’m already doing 60 in a 30 mph zone and still that guy is sticking to me.
And now he’s blinding me with these fancy blinking blue lights. The
world is full of psychos!
Wow you look great! Did you lose weight?”
“Hey – did you just call
me ugly and fat in retrospect?!”
Not every badly unkempt guy is homeless. It could well be that he lives with
3 females and only 1 bathroom.
A German, an American and a Russian walk into a bar.
looks at them suspiciously and says, “Is this some kind of a joke?”
Waiter? I’m sorry, but I cannot eat all this. Would you be so kind and pack
it for me? To take away?
But sir, this is a buffet.
up I said!
“I wish I could go to the Maldives again.”
“Wow, you’ve been to the
“No, but I wished it before.”
“Mommy, I saw you jumping on daddy’s belly yesterday night.”
“Yes, we were trying to get rid of daddy’s big belly. I jump on him so all
the air would come out.”
“Aha, I know why it isn’t working then
– the woman from next door comes every afternoon when you go shopping and
blows all the air back into him again.”
I broke my personal record for a 100 meter dash: I’m on 64 meters.
I saw a poster today, somebody was asking “Have you seen my cat?” So I
called the number and said that I didn’t. - I like to help where I can.
I just like to sleep naked. The air-hostess could have been a bit more
New category: Cross the Road Jokes
Last night a Chinese guy came to my favorite bar.
I asked him
if he knew Kung Fu or some other martial art.
He said, “Why do you
ask me that? Is it just because I’m Chinese?!”
“No it’s because
you’re drinking MY beer!“
If I ever go missing, you should put my picture on beer rather than milk
bottles. This way, my friends will find me faster.
I was going to start a Procrastinators Club. But then I realized I’d have to
reject anyone who actually turned up at the meeting so I decided to put it
I heard the Secret Service had to change their commands.
say "Get down!" anymore when the President is under attack.
You sneak into my room, unnoticed; you gently touch one bit of my naked body
after the other until you find the most desirable place, then you start
sucking. Stupid mosquitoes!
I read the mass chicken farms pump chickens full of antibiotics. Well, that
would at least explain why chicken soup is so good when you have a cold.
Today, I found a mosquito, I sat right next to it and kept on buzzing so he
would see what it’s like, not being able to sleep!
I did a self-defense course. I wouldn’t recommend anyone to attack me in
slow motion now.
They say you can’t get a decent job without education. But look at Albert
Einstein – he was a drop-out and still ended up being the first man on the
A question on an internet forum:
Q: Please help, I have this great
itching between my toes.
A: Well, that depends. If the itching is
between all toes, consult a dermatologist. If the itching bothers you only
between your two big toes, consult a gynecologist.
What can I eat in the evening in front of the TV that wouldn’t make me
>> I love to help in those online Q&A
I hope the children will never find out why I say ‘oooops….” so often
when I vacuum their rooms.
New category: Fun Facts
| Dad Jokes
Doctor, how can I live longer than 100 years?
Do you smoke?
Do you eat too much?
Do you go to bed late?
Do you have affairs with promiscuous women?
Then why would
you want to live more than 100 years?
That awkward moment when you realize the guy in front of you in the “10
items maximum” express cashier line has 11 things in his trolley...
Bishop to the Pope: Congratulations on your name’s day Your Holiness!
Pope: But today we do not commemorate the name of Benedict?
It is the 16th, though.
My step mother came to me and demanded that I take all her clothes off.
So I took off her blouse.
She said, “Now off with the skirt.”
I did, and she continued, “Now take off my stockings.”
And when I
did that, she said, “Now the bra and the panties.”
I took them off.
She continued, “And don’t ever let me catch you wearing my stuff again!”
New category: Cat Jokes
A student at a management school came up to a pretty girl and hugged her
without any warning.
The surprised girl said, “What was that?”
The guy smiled at her, “Direct marketing!”
The girl slapped him
“What was that?!” said the boy, holding his cheek.
New category: Clean Jokes
I fear my neighbor may be stalking me, she's been googling my name last
night on her computer.
I saw it clearly through my binoculars.
New category: Fart Jokes
Funny Riddles and Answers
New categories: Knock Knock Jokes
New categories: Christmas
| Marriage Jokes
How many Germans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Just one. They’re
fiercely efficient and not really given to jokes.
Joke for mothers:
When your first child eats some earth, a bit of grass or a
worm, you take it to a doctor. When your second child eats some earth, a bit
of grass or a worm, you spit on a hankie and clean it. When your third child
eats some earth, a bit of grass or a worm, you wonder whether it still needs
is about to leave his office and says: "Ok, let's piss off now."
You know you’re old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
When somebody makes you really angry, count to three. When you get to
two, punch them in the face. They won’t be expecting that.
Two immigrants from Africa arrive in the United States and are discussing
the difference between their country and the U.S.
One of them
mentions he's heard that people in the U.S. eat dogs, and if they're going
to fit in, they better eat dogs as well. So they head to the nearest hot dog
stand and order two 'dogs.'
The first guy unwraps his, looks at it,
and nervously looks at his friend.
"Which part did you get?"
An elderly man was on the operating
table, about to be operated on by his son, a famous surgeon. Just
before they put him under, he asked to speak to his son:
"Don’t be nervous,
boy, just do your best and just remember, if it
doesn’t go well, if something happens to me… your mother is going to come
and live with you and your family."
That awkward moment
when you have eye contact while eating a banana.
My dog once ate all the Scrabble tiles. He kept leaving messages
around the house for days.
Two men are stranded on a deserted island. One despairs, but the other one
claps him assuredly on the back and says, “Don’t worry, they will definitely
find us, and soon.”
“Really? Why do you think so?”
“I owe the IRS five years’ worth of taxes.”
Q: How long does a Russian need to reach a BAC of 0,8?
A: About two
days of no drinking.
New category: Prank Ideas / Practical jokes
Why do people never eat clocks?
Because it’s really time
There’s that moment when you put your steak on the grill and your mouth
waters all over from that amazing smell.
Do you vegans feel the same when
you mow the grass?“
Do you know how to make a dumb person curious?”
“I’ll tell you tomorrow.”
New joke category: Dog Jokes
New category: Pirate
To be stung by a mosquito is not very pleasant. But the thought that an
insect with just 10 brain cells could mess up your entire night is something
Important note from a car manual:
at a tree significantly reduces your trunk space.
“Excuse me, sir, have you seen a police officer around?”
“No, not a soul,
“Very good, now give me your wallet, watch and laptop!”