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New Jokes 2016 / 2017

Best first: One of the most wonderful things in life is to wake up and enjoy a cuddle with somebody; unless you are in prison.
    
 new Jokes

New Jokes

 
Fresh and Funny!

Judge: “Why did you steal the car?”

Man: “I had to get to work.”
 
Judge: “Why didn’t you take the bus?”

Man: I don’t have a driver’s license for the bus.
New joke category: One Liners
“Mirror mirror on the wall, who’s the prettiest of them all?”
 
“OK, could you step aside a bit? I can’t see, you’re too fat.”
Two pigeons fly around. One of them says: “Be careful, there’s a light post.” (DONG)

The other one replies: “Stop reminding me constantly!” (DONG)
Man with a beard 100 years ago: “OK, I’ll go chop down some trees.”
 
Man with a beard now: “I found a great face mask that’s gluten-free.”
Three doctors are talking about death.

The first, a dentist, says, “When I die, I think I’d like my tombstone to be shaped like a tooth made of white marble.”

“Hey,” adds the cardiologist, “that’s not a bad idea, I’d love my tombstone to be shaped as a heart…”
 
The gynecologist is silent for a bit, then says, “I think scattering of the ashes is my option.”

Wife calls her husband and says, “Darling, the car is broken, it won’t start.”
 
“What?! It’s in perfect order, what’s wrong with it?”
 
“It’s water in the carburetor, love.”
 
“Oh no, where are you right now?”
 
“Um, in the little lake behind the house…”

North Korea recently changed their volume measurement system. The liter is now only to be called the dear liter.
I have a bumper sticker saying, "Honk if you think I'm sexy".
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Some days I just stand at a green light till I’m feeling good about myself.
My new 1000 watt sound system is great! I can control the volume of my neighbor's banging on my door.
In a bakery:

Man to the shop assistant: “I’ll have that thing there, please.”

Shop assistant: “Cupcake?”

Man: “OK, Cupcake, I’ll have that thing there, please.”
New category: Shower Thoughts
 I’ve read so many horrible things about drinking and smoking recently that I made a new, firm New Year’s resolution: NO MORE READING!
Some nice Chinese couple gave me a very good camera down by the Washington Monument.
 
 I didn’t really understand what they were saying, but it was very nice of them.
Mom, do you know that most of my friends got the new iPhone already?

Son, do you know the foster home down by the crossroads?
“Oh no, Roger, why did you two split up?”
 
“She’s a liar and a cheat! She said she was the whole night and her sister’s!”
 
“So? Maybe she was.”
 
“Yeah, no way. I was the whole night at her sister’s!”

A German driver was pulled over on a Polish highway by the local police.
 
Polish policeman: "What’s your name, sir?"
 
German: "Helmut Rauchbraucher."
 
Policeman: "OK. Age?"

Helmut: "53."

Policeman: "Occupation?"

Helmut: "Oh no, I’m only visiting."
Did anyone notice that the “&”symbol looks like a dog dragging his butt across the floor?
Wife sends a text message to her husband on a really cold winter morning: Windows are totally frozen, will not open.

Husband replies: “Carefully pour some warm water over it and tap the edges first with your hand, if that doesn’t work, then gently with a hammer.”

15 minutes later, the wife texts back: “Oh no, I think the laptop is now totally gone.”
One friend to another:

I really can’t believe that after all that enormous shit they are together again.
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What? Who are you talking about?
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My butt cheeks, hahahahah :-D
A guy goes to the doctor: “Please help me doc. I have this horrible blinking in my right eye that I just can’t control.”
 
Doctor: “Ah come on, it’s not so bad as you think.”
 
Guy: “Oh, you think?! Every time I go to the pharmacy to get some painkillers, they give me condoms!”
Reporter interviews a man: “Sir, you’ve lived next to this highway for 20 years, do you feel that it has somehow influenced you?”
 
The man: “NOOooooo, NOOoooo, NOOooo…”
Just imagine, you’re a pair of jogging pants. You expect a nice and easy life of lying on the sofa. And then WTF?! You get bought by an ambitious jogger!
A cannibal is invited to a teambuilding week in the mountains.
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The instructions say he can also bring one friend.
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But when he arrives, he brings ten people. The organizer is shocked: “Come on Alan, what the heck, the invitation said you can only bring one person!”
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"Yeah, but it also said bring your own food, didn’t it?!”
At a psychiatric ward: “Doctor, what should we do with the new guy in room 6? He believes he’s a wolf.”
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Doctor: “Whatever you do, don’t let his grandmother visit!”
I’ve just been to the drugstore and saw that they’re selling lemon-scented intimate deodorants.

Yeah, this really makes sense actually because lemon goes very well with fish.
Hey Sue, what do you say to a nice walk?
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Oh Harry, that would be lovely!
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Wonderful. Could you bring me some beer and cigarettes on your way back?
Do you have a cat? And are you not a fan of house chores?

Here’s a little tip: Make your cat full of static electricity by rubbing her with a balloon and then use a laser pointer to have her go on all your dusty shelves and surfaces.
There you go, dusting is a chore of yesterday.
Mobile - Update
Tablet – Update
Laptop - Update
TV – Update
Gaming console – Update

Somehow I’m afraid to plug in the iron.
Police officer to a driver: “OK, driver’s license, vehicle license, first aid kit and warning triangle.”
 
Driver: “Nah, I’ve already got all that. But how much for that funny Captain’s cap?“
New category:Cute Jokes
You stole my Microsoft Office and for that you’re going to pay.
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You have my Word!
Web site log in: Sorry, your password 257EeffQ@# is not secure enough.
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Cash machine login 1234: Here’s your 1000 dollars.
When I greeted my boss in the morning, he told me to have a good day.
 
Who am I to argue? So I thanked him and went back home.
I’m already doing 60 in a 30 mph zone and still that guy is sticking to me. And now he’s blinding me with these fancy blinking blue lights. The world is full of psychos! 
Wow you look great! Did you lose weight?”
-
“Hey – did you just call me ugly and fat in retrospect?!”
Not every badly unkempt guy is homeless. It could well be that he lives with 3 females and only 1 bathroom.
A German, an American and a Russian walk into a bar.

The bartender looks at them suspiciously and says, “Is this some kind of a joke?”
Waiter? I’m sorry, but I cannot eat all this. Would you be so kind and pack it for me? To take away?
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But sir, this is a buffet.
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Pack it up I said!
“I wish I could go to the Maldives again.”

“Wow, you’ve been to the Maldives?”

“No, but I wished it before.”
“Mommy, I saw you jumping on daddy’s belly yesterday night.”
 
“Yes, we were trying to get rid of daddy’s big belly. I jump on him so all the air would come out.”
 
“Aha, I know why it isn’t working then – the woman from next door comes every afternoon when you go shopping and blows all the air back into him again.”
I broke my personal record for a 100 meter dash: I’m on 64 meters.
I saw a poster today, somebody was asking “Have you seen my cat?” So I called the number and said that I didn’t. - I like to help where I can.
I just like to sleep naked. The air-hostess could have been a bit more understanding.
New category: Cross the Road Jokes
Last night a Chinese guy came to my favorite bar.

 I asked him if he knew Kung Fu or some other martial art.

He said, “Why do you ask me that? Is it just because I’m Chinese?!”

“No it’s because you’re drinking MY beer!“
If I ever go missing, you should put my picture on beer rather than milk bottles. This way, my friends will find me faster.
I was going to start a Procrastinators Club. But then I realized I’d have to reject anyone who actually turned up at the meeting so I decided to put it off again.
I heard the Secret Service had to change their commands.

They can't say "Get down!" anymore when the President is under attack.

Now it's "Donald! Duck!"
You sneak into my room, unnoticed; you gently touch one bit of my naked body after the other until you find the most desirable place, then you start sucking. Stupid mosquitoes!
I read the mass chicken farms pump chickens full of antibiotics. Well, that would at least explain why chicken soup is so good when you have a cold.
Today, I found a mosquito, I sat right next to it and kept on buzzing so he would see what it’s like, not being able to sleep!
I did a self-defense course. I wouldn’t recommend anyone to attack me in slow motion now. 
They say you can’t get a decent job without education. But look at Albert Einstein – he was a drop-out and still ended up being the first man on the moon!
A question on an internet forum:

Q: Please help, I have this great itching between my toes.

A: Well, that depends. If the itching is between all toes, consult a dermatologist. If the itching bothers you only between your two big toes, consult a gynecologist.
What can I eat in the evening in front of the TV that wouldn’t make me fat?
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Your fingernails.

>> I love to help in those online Q&A communities.
I hope the children will never find out why I say ‘oooops….” so often when I vacuum their rooms.
New category: Fun Facts | Dad Jokes
Doctor, how can I live longer than 100 years?

Do you smoke?
No.

Do you eat too much?
No.

Do you go to bed late?
No.

Do you have affairs with promiscuous women?
No.

Then why would you want to live more than 100 years?
That awkward moment when you realize the guy in front of you in the “10 items maximum” express cashier line has 11 things in his trolley...
Bishop to the Pope: Congratulations on your name’s day Your Holiness!
-
Pope: But today we do not commemorate the name of Benedict?
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Bishop: It is the 16th, though.
My step mother came to me and demanded that I take all her clothes off.

So I took off her blouse.

She said, “Now off with the skirt.”

I did, and she continued, “Now take off my stockings.”

And when I did that, she said, “Now the bra and the panties.”

I took them off. She continued, “And don’t ever let me catch you wearing my stuff again!”
New category: Cat Jokes | Redneck Jokes
A student at a management school came up to a pretty girl and hugged her without any warning.

The surprised girl said, “What was that?”

The guy smiled at her, “Direct marketing!”

The girl slapped him soundly.

“What was that?!” said the boy, holding his cheek.

“Customer feedback.”
New category: Clean Jokes
I fear my neighbor may be stalking me, she's been googling my name last night on her computer.

I saw it clearly through my binoculars.
New category: Fart Jokes | Funny Riddles and Answers
New categories: Knock Knock Jokes | Puns
New categories: Christmas jokes | Marriage Jokes
How many Germans does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Just one. They’re fiercely efficient and not really given to jokes.
 Joke for mothers:

When your first child eats some earth, a bit of grass or a worm, you take it to a doctor. When your second child eats some earth, a bit of grass or a worm, you spit on a hankie and clean it. When your third child eats some earth, a bit of grass or a worm, you wonder whether it still needs lunch.
The urologist is about to leave his office and says: "Ok, let's piss off now."
You know you’re old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
When somebody makes you really angry, count to three. When you get to two, punch them in the face. They won’t be expecting that.
Two immigrants from Africa arrive in the United States and are discussing the difference between their country and the U.S.

One of them mentions he's heard that people in the U.S. eat dogs, and if they're going to fit in, they better eat dogs as well. So they head to the nearest hot dog stand and order two 'dogs.'

The first guy unwraps his, looks at it, and nervously looks at his friend.

"Which part did you get?"
An elderly man was on the operating table, about to be operated on by his son, a famous surgeon. Just before they put him under, he asked to speak to his son:
 
"Don’t be nervous, boy, just do your best and just remember, if it doesn’t go well, if something happens to me… your mother is going to come and live with you and your family."
That awkward moment when you have eye contact while eating a banana.
My dog once ate all the Scrabble tiles. He kept leaving messages around the house for days.
Two men are stranded on a deserted island. One despairs, but the other one claps him assuredly on the back and says, “Don’t worry, they will definitely find us, and soon.”

“Really? Why do you think so?”

“I owe the IRS five years’ worth of taxes.”
Q: How long does a Russian need to reach a BAC of 0,8?

A: About two days of no drinking.
New category: Prank Ideas / Practical jokes
Why do people never eat clocks?
 
Because it’s really time consuming.
There’s that moment when you put your steak on the grill and your mouth waters all over from that amazing smell.

Do you vegans feel the same when you mow the grass?“
Do you know how to make a dumb person curious?”
-
“No, how?”
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“I’ll tell you tomorrow.”
New joke category: Dog Jokes

New category: Pirate Jokes
To be stung by a mosquito is not very pleasant. But the thought that an insect with just 10 brain cells could mess up your entire night is something quite different.
Important note from a car manual:

Backing rapidly at a tree significantly reduces your trunk space.
“Excuse me, sir, have you seen a police officer around?”
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“No, not a soul, actually.”
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“Very good, now give me your wallet, watch and laptop!”


 


 
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