How can they call it "Alcoholics Anonymous" when the first thing you do is
you stand up and say,
‘My name is John and I am an alcoholic’?
Smile and the world smiles with you. Fart and the world suddenly stops
Pessimist: "Things just can't get any worse!"
Optimist: "Nah, of
course they can!"
A nice old lady on a bus offers the driver some peanuts. He’s happy to
take some. He asks her after a while why she isn’t having any herself.
“Oh, young man,” she says, “they’re too hard on my poor teeth, I
“Why did you buy them at all then?” wonders the driver.
“You see, I just love the chocolate they’re covered in!”
A snowman sniffs, “Hm, funny, I smell carrots…”
A mom shark is teaching her son how to hunt swimmers properly.
first you go and circle them making sure your fin is showing. And then you
go at them full blast and eat them.”
“OK, but why don’t I just go at
them full blast and eat them right away?”
“I guess you could, son,
but would you really want to eat them with all that shit in their
already 14, can't I finally get a bra?!
Two men are discussing their lives. One says, "I’m getting married. I’m
sick of a messy apartment, dirty dishes, and no clothes to wear." The other
one says, "Hey, I’m getting divorced for the same reasons."
A man hired a lawyer when he got sued by his company for embezzlement of
many millions. At the beginning of the process, the lawyer kindly reassured
him: „Don’t worry, you’ll never go to jail with that amount of money.“
And the lawyer was right. When the man did go to jail eventually, he didn’t
have a penny anymore.
Two fortune tellers meet. First one says, “We’re going to have a hot summer
again.” The second one sighs happily: “Yes, it reminds me of the summer in
Scientists have now discovered how women keep their secrets. They do so
within groups of 40.
stutterer walks in to a doctor’s office and says, “Doc-c-c-tor, my
s-s-s-stuttering is a real p-p-pain in the n-n-neck, please help.”
The doctor examines him and finally finds the root of the problem: “Well, Mr
Denby, the thing is, your pecker is too big and takes up too much blood that
would normally go in the brain. We have to operate and take at least a half
of it off.”
A month after the operation the stutterer comes back for
a check-up and sighs, “Doctor, it really helped my stuttering and that is a
relief. But my wife is very unhappy with the situation. Could the amputated
bit be sewn back on, please?”
Doctor: “Sorry, but n-n-n-n-no.”
Me: “Do you think it’s strange to talk to yourself?”
Astronaut's last words: OMG guys, who farted? I have to open the window.
What’s a state clerk’s favorite day of the week?
Tuesday. There’s no
point starting anything new so shortly before the weekend.
“Mom, is it true I was brought by a stork?”
“Yes darling, that’s
“Oh, so daddy is an impotent?”
My brother went to jail. He didn't take it very well. He was yelling insults
attacking everyone, he even threw his feces on the wall. I don't
think we will play Monopoly with him again.
Late one night a robber wearing a mask stopped a
well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs. "Give me your money," he
demanded. Scandalized, the man replied, "You can’t do this – I’m a US
Congressman!" "Oh! In that case," smiled the robber, "Give me MY money!"
I used to believe that the brain was the most important organ. But then I
thought, hey, look who’s telling me that.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because the chicken hasn’t
After years of loneliness, I finally worked out a great dating strategy.
I’ll pretend to be gay. I’m going to make tons of chick friends, really get
them to trust me, tell me everything… and when they haven’t got an ounce of
suspicion left – BOOOM!
I’ll get their boyfriends!
Jesus can walk on water, correct?
Well, I can walk on
cucumbers. As you may know, cucumbers are 98% water. So - I am 98% Jesus.
An almost hysterical man calls 911 and yells, "Please come quickly! Kailey
is pregnant and her labor started now, it’s really intense!"
"Is this her first child?" asks the operator.
"No you dumbass!
It’s her husband!"
Light travels faster than sound. That is why some people appear quite bright
– until you hear them talk.