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Christmas Jokes

The best first: What do you call a Christmas elf with ear-muffs? Whatever you like. He won’t hear you.
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Funny Christmas jokes

Funny Christmas Jokes.

 
How many gifts can Santa squeeze in an empty stocking? One. It’s not empty after the first one.

 There will be no Christmas anymore. I told Santa that you have been good the whole year. He died of laughter.
 I came home from work yesterday and got a terrible shock. All the windows open, everything gone… I nearly cried, I mean who can do something like that, and right before Christmas, too… And to top it, my family didn’t let me call the cops, they kept insisting they have better things to do than investigate who polished off my Advent calendar.
A lady walks into a stationery shop early in December, “Hi, I’d like to buy some nice pen for my son.”

“Oh, a Christmas surprise, right?”

“Probably, yes, he’s expecting an iPhone.”
Good Christmas joke

Funny how the year you stop believing in Santa is roughly the year you start getting socks and clothes for Christmas.
– Guess what I got for Christmas!

– No idea, tell me!

– Well, do you see that Audi parked down there?

– OMG… It looks so cool!

– Yeah, doesn’t it? And that is the exact color of the sweat pants I got!
Another helicopter tried to land in our garden today. I think we’re going to have to reduce our Christmas lights a bit.
Lisa thanks her grandpa, "Thank you Grandpa for the violin you gave me last year for Christmas. I've never got such a brilliant gift!"
"Really?" asks the surprised Grandpa.
Lisa says, "Oh yeah - every time I start playing, mom gives me 2 dollars so I would stop!"
9 out of 10 turkeys recommend a steak at Christmas.
Let’s face it. Santa clearly prefers children of rich parents.
What kind of a bike does Santa ride in his spare time? A Holly Davidson.

 An honest politician, a hard-working civil servant and Santa Claus find a 100 dollar bill. Who gets to keep it?
Santa does, the other two are creatures of myth and legend.
Two women are chatting, "I took my husband to the Christmas market yesterday," says one of them.
-
"And, did someone want to buy him?" asks the other.
 Last Christmas I gave you my heart... well - that was the end of me...no one survives without a heart.
 One turkey asks another, "Do you believe in life after Christmas?"
Sending letters to Santa up the chimney is definitely black mail.
What did the reindeer say when he was spotted one Christmas Eve by Little Johnny?

Nothing, reindeers don’t talk.
I heard some strange chatter from the spice cupboard mid-December. But it was just the Season’s greetings.
This will be the fifth year in a row that my in-laws will come over for Christmas. I think this time we should let them in.

What is invisible and smells like milk and cookies? Santa’s burps.

What is invisible and does NOT smell like milk and cookies? Santa’s farts.

Isn't it embarrassing how Santa ends up having the same wrapping paper like your mum and dad.
At Christmas, mother says to Little Johnny, "Go on and light up the Christmas tree Johnny.“

Johnny runs off happily and comes back after a while, asking, „Should I light up the candles, too“

Where would Santa hide gifts for his elves?
-
In his clauset.
Why should you never mess with Santa?

Because he’s got a black belt.
Cute Christmas joke

Fox News reported news of an unidentified flying object on Christmas Eve.
It was a U-F-ho-ho-ho.
Little girl wrote to Santa, asking him to give her a baby sister for Christmas.
 
Santa replied promptly, asking her to send her mother.

Where does Santa send the elves‘ wages?

To the snow bank.
Funny Christmas Cat

Why do spies rarely enjoy the Christmas holidays?
 
They hate giving away their presence.
What is the difference between a snowman and a snowwoman?
-
Snowballs.
Never fight Santa Claus. He has a black belt.
How do we know Santa is a man?

No woman with an ounce of dignity would wear the same outfit for so many years running.
 Christmas tip: Wrap empty boxes in Christmas wrapping paper. When your child misbehaves, toss one into the fire.
Why does Santa use reindeer to pull his sleigh?
-
Because huskies can’t fly.
What would you call an elf who is an excellent swimmer?

An elfin.
“The holiday season: A deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice.” Dave Berry
What’s the price of Santa's sleigh?
-
Nothing, it's on the house.
Why would no bank ever give Santa a loan?
-
Because all his accounts are frozen.
Walking down the street I wonder if at Christmas we celebrate the birth of Jesus, or of General Electric.
I heard elves love to sing when they work on children’s toys. They are very good wrappers.
Jokes for Christmas

A boy is running around his yard in early December, chanting, “I SO WISH I GOT A NEW BIKE FOR CHRISTMAS!”

An elderly man watches him go on for a while, then comes over and says, “Son, what is this about, Santa ain’t deaf, you know?

The little boy, out of breath, smiles, “He probably isn’t, but my auntie Jane is.”

Christmases are always quite hard on the turkeys, but at least they don’t go hungry. In fact, they are stuffed since morning!
What is a correct name for an old snowman? Puddle.
Santa is with us throughout our lives, although his presence can be categorized in four main stages:

1. You are a believer in Santa.
 
2. You are not a believer in Santa.
 
3. You pretend to be Santa.
 
4. You look like Santa without even trying.
Mum, are we going to have Grandpa Joe for Christmas?
-
No, darling, Just the turkey.

All throughout the Christmas Eve and the silent wonders of the magical night, it is a happy Christmas. Then the kids barge into the living room in search of gifts and turn the season to a happy Christmess.
Santa has a good employment package. 1 month – Santa Claus, 11 months – Santa pause.
Hilarious Christmas joke

What goes oh-oh-oh? Santa doing the moonwalk.
Oh, by the way – the book I gave you for Christmas must be returned to the library next week.
What does Santa say when he enters the toy workshop near Christmas?
-
Alright everybody, sacking time!
Two idiots roam the woods looking for a nice Christmas tree. After hours of freezing and chasing away the odd wolf, one of the them brings down the axe and says, “OK that’s it. I’m taking the next right-sized tree we see and I don’t give a dime if it’s decorated or not!”
What keeps falling but never gets hurt?

The snow.
I heard of a guy who shoplifted an Advent calendar. He got 24 days.
Dad, and where is Santa from?”
-
“Well, judging by the majority of the gifts, I’d say he is from China.”
Christmas Humor Snowman

When the three kings came to visit newborn Jesus, one of them slipped on the straw and twisted his ankle. “Jesus Christ!” he yelled in pain.

Mary looked questioningly at Joseph and said, “That actually sounds a lot better than Chester, doesn’t it?”

What is the equivalent of a superdeath laser gun for snowmen?

A hairdryer.
When I was buying our Christmas tree, the cheery seller asked if I’d be putting it up myself.
Disgusting man, I’ll be putting it in our living room of course!
“Darling, what do you think we should give Granny for Christmas?”

“The most precious thing we have!”

“Oh, what’s that?”

“Our children for babysitting!”
 Little Johnny by the Christmas tree: “And are all these gifts from Santa?”
-
“Yes Johnny,” beams his mother.
-
“Oh, so you didn’t get me a darn thing again this year, did you.”
 A dog is gazing up at the Christmas tree and sighs with satisfaction, “Oh, my master is the best, as always. What dog can say they’ve had electrical lights installed in their indoor toilet?”
 

Dear Santa, this year, I really don’t need you to bring me anything. Actually, could you possibly take away my mother in law?
 “Boss, can I take tomorrow off? My wife really needs help with Christmas cleaning,” asks Joe.
 
“Are you out of your head, man? I can’t give you a day off for this!” rumbles the boss.

“Oh thanks a lot, boss,” Joe smiles, relieved, “I knew I could rely on you!”
Christmas is on my mind the whole 12 months before it comes.
 
It is also on my Visa bill the whole 12 months afterwards.
Funny Christmas joke

Why are there no chimney sweeps in Scotland?
-
Why pay for something that Santa does regularly for free?
Billy asks his friend Joe, “Why would you want two sets of trains for Christmas?!”
 -
“Because I still want to get to play when my dad is home!”
Cats have it so much better… They have an indoor litterbox all year round. Dogs only get less than a month of living-room Christmas tree.
Why do storks fly south for the winter?
-
Because it would take forever if they walked.
Why do Christmas trees suck at knitting?
-
They eventually drop all their needles.
Funny Xmas pullover

So – Santa is this foreign guy with a host of small people who build the toys we give our kids?
 
Santa must be Chinese.

What do you get when you make a snowman really, really mad angry?
-
Frothy the Snowman.
It’s a good thing Santa doesn’t suffer from dyslexia.
It would be inconvenient to receive a Christmas visit from Satan.
And who brings presents to little sharks who’ve been good the whole year?
-
Santa Jaws!
In the morning of Christmas Eve, a lady rummages through the last remaining turkeys in the supermarket freezer.
 
“Do they get any bigger by any chance?” she asks the shop assistant with a sigh.
 
He looks at her for a while and says, “No madam, they are quite dead.”
Do you want to know if there really is a Santa? Simply light a good fire on Christmas Eve.
What do snowmen do in their spare time?
-
They’re just chilling.
What does a bald guy say when you give him a comb for Christmas?
-
Oh thanks… I shall never part with it.
Q: What is any parent’s favorite Christmas carol?
-
A: Silent Night.

Which type of donuts does Santa prefer?
-
The ones with the ho-ho-hole.
A good sign for a toy shop at Christmas: We speak ho-ho-ho here!
What can you give away at Christmas and yet still keep?
-
Measles, for instance.

Santa once lost his undies. That is when the tradition of calling him Saint Knickerless started.
How do reindeer amuse themselves during the long year?
-
They play stable-tennis.
Doctor, I can’t get rid of the idea that I’m a Christmas bell, please help!
-
Very well, take these pills twice daily and if they don’t work, give me a ring.
Advent calendars are an inspiration to us all. They are so jolly – and yet their days are numbered…
Santa Claus climbs down a chimney into the family living room and wow, there’s an amazing, fully naked blonde woman. She winks at him meaningfully.

Santa clutches his head, “If I do it, no way will I make it to heaven. If I don’t do it, no way will I make it back up the chimney!”
Why won’t Christmas trees stand up straight?
-
Well, they don’t have legs.
Great Christmas joke

Jedi knights have an extra advantage at Christmas. They can feel the presents.
“Merry Christmas, nearly everybody!” Ogden Nash





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