Senior Jokes

Jokes for Seniors

A lovey dovey couple are sitting on a bench in the park and she says, “My ear hurts me…” He kisses it gently and asks, “Is it better now, my darling?”

“It’s all gone,” giggles the girl, “but now I have a pain here,” and she points to her neck.

The boy kisses it tenderly and asks, “Better now, sweet pea?”

“It’s all healed, my love! But now I have a very bad pain here,” she replies and points to her clavicle.

“Excuse me,” politely interrupts an old man from a neighboring bench, “this is really impressive! Do you heal hemorrhoids as well?”

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A grandma and a grandpa are going out for their daily health walk and grandma can’t decide. “I don’t know, Joe, should I wear my bra do you think?”

“Yeah, Rosie, you better, it’s quite muddy out.”

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Feeling amused? Explore our Puns section!

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A guy comes to work very sick and asks his boss for advice. The boss says, "You know, if it were me, I'd just go home and let my wife really take care of me in all aspects, if you know what I mean. Now go and do just that, Roger, you look pretty bad."
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The guy gratefully leaves and comes back the next day, looking much better.
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"So, how was it?" asks the boss, "Everything alright?"
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"Yes," replies the guy, "I feel much better, thank you. By the way, you have really nice furniture!"

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Grandpa, why don't you have any life insurance?"
 
"So you can all be really sad when I die."

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Ah, the modern days. I just saw a grandpa help a youngster who was staring into his phone to cross the street.

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Doctor says to his patient: “Your liver results are back. And frankly, they’re very surprising considering that I only allowed you one glass of wine per week.”
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The patient shrugs: “Do you really think you are the only doctor I am going to?”

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A naked woman robbed a bank. Nobody could remember her face.

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Two farmers are walking down a road when suddenly they’re passed by a headless biker.
Weird, but – well. They continue down the road. After a while they are passed by a headless bicyclist.

Hm. They walk on for a bit when one says to the other, “Joe, how about you put the scythe on your other shoulder?”
 
Why are seniors encouraged to take healing mud baths?
 
So they’d slowly start getting used to earth.

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I heard that some people wear those special socks or pantyhose to prevent thrombosis on long airplane flights. Well, I don't need that. I still wear my trousers from 6 years ago.

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Harlan the biker comes to the hairdresser.

The hairdresser stares at his greasy hair in disbelief for a while and then asks, “So, did you come to cut your hair or just for an oil change?”

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Joe asks Peter: "Wow, so many scars. You must have had an adventurous life!"
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Peter replies: "No, I have a cat."

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I was begging God to give me a hot body.

Great. Now I’m enjoying the hot flashes of menopause.

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American psychologists have isolated two fundamental reasons why men frequent bars.

1) They don’t have a woman.
 
2) They have a woman.

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A grave digger comes home all tired and exhausted, nearly dragging his hands on the ground. “What on Earth happened?!” asks his wife.

“We were burying some mother-in-law or other, and the people applauded so much as we lowered her into the ground, that we had to do it again and again, eight times over!”

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Patient: “Doctor, please help me, I think I can see in the future.”
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Doctor: “When did it start?”
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Patient: “Next Friday.”

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The police stop an old guy in questionable condition at 1 am.
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“What are you doing out so late, sir?” asks the police officer.
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“I’m going to a seminar on ‘The harmful effects of alcohol’,” replies the man.
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“Are you pulling my leg or something?!“ says the police officer, „who would hold a seminar like that at this hour?!”
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The man sighs, “my wife.”

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A truck driver phones his boss, "Hey boss, my mirror is broken."

The boss says, "Well then Just buy a new one and replace it then."

The truck driver answers, "I can't. The truck is laying on it."

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An elderly man was on the operating table, about to be operated on by his son, a famous surgeon. Just before they put him under, he asked to speak to his son:
 
"Don’t be nervous, boy, just do your best and just remember, if it doesn’t go well, if something happens to me… your mother is going to come and live with you and your family."

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So, Mr. Brandberg, are you happy with your new hearing aid?
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Very much, doctor. I already changed my last will twice!

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Police officer approaches a woman on the shore, “I’m sorry ma’am, but it’s forbidden to bathe here.”
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The woman is surprised, “But why are you telling me now, you’ve just watched me put on my bikini and tanning oil...?
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The police officer shrugs, “Well that is not forbidden.”

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I’ve read so many horrible things about drinking and smoking recently that I made a new, firm New Year’s resolution: NO MORE READING!

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My old aunts would come and tease me at weddings, “Well Sarah? Do you think you’ll be next?”

We settled this quickly once I started doing the same to them at funerals.

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Teacher: “Who do you think invented dancing, children?”
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Little Johnny: “My guess is a big Irish family with just one bathroom.”

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An American guy, a French guy, and a Scottish guy go for a beer. All their beers, by some coincidence or other, arrive with a fly in it.

The American pushes the beer away in disgust.

The French guy fishes out the fly and drinks the beer.

The Scotsman takes the fly out by the wing and yells at it, “Spit it out, spit it out now ya little hussy!!!”