Contact Privacy
 

New Jokes 2021 [2020]

The best first: Why did the surgeon not like the movie?
-
It was the uncut version.
Our most popular categories:
New Jokes 2020
 

New Jokes for 2021

 
Fresh and Funny!


I hate my mood swings. They're great!
Honey, do you think I'm fat?

Weeeell, let's put it this way: You're the greatest!
How to keep your rent constantly low?
-
Shoot out of the window once a week.
The boss said I should go home because I really don't look good.

I don't know if I should be happy to get the extra rest, or just offended.
It’s been 412 days since I’ve been with a girl... I had to go jogging in flip-flops yesterday to at least remind myself of the sound…
I met an amazing man at a party on Saturday. Wonderful listener, great looking... I gave him my number and winked at him to call me when he gets home. It’s been 4 days, I’m really starting to worry the poor guy is homeless.
“Have you got anything to drink?”

“Water.”

“I meant something harder?”

“Ice.”
Mom, can I get a brother?
-
Sorry, darling. The stork doesn’t bring us babies anymore.
-
Well then perhaps you can talk to another bird?
What do people like to wear in England?
-
Tea-shirts.
Internet discussion:

user kiki357: HEEEEY, HOW ARE YOU? I’M NEW HERE!

user ukili: Try pressing CapsLock.

user kiki357: AWESOME, NOW I DON’T HAVE TO KEEP PRESSING SHIFT!!!!
New funny categories: Perspective jokes and Cat jokes
Some annoying cold caller was trying to sell me a luxury coffin. I could only say, “Dude, that is the last thing I’ll need.”
Hey man, you look like crap!
-
Yes, I have a cold.
-
Jesus, AND you have a cold?!
If you cannot find your dog, open the fridge door.

He’s standing right behind you.
I wonder what it was on the Canadian flag that they had to cover it up with a big leaf.
 What’s the one thing snipers can’t tell their wives?
 
I missed you this morning.
My son is 9 and wants to move out because we constantly forbid him everything.

Well, we forbid him that too.

I like little people, and little people like me. They kinda look up to me.
That awkward moment when you have eye contact while eating a banana.
You could view the huge cross on the cover of the Holy Bible as a bigtime spoiler…
New categories: Jokes to Tell | Dry Jokes
Iphone Joke
To all those people who don't know what real panic is: Try blocking the toilet in your future parents-in-law’s home.
My grandma gave me this great advice, “An apple a day keeps the doctor away.” She was right! You just have to really work on your aim.
When you think about it, forming meatballs is like stroking animals, just a bit late.
Police officer approaches a woman on the shore, “I’m sorry ma’am, but it’s forbidden to bathe here.”
-
The woman is surprised, “But why are you telling me now, you’ve just watched me put on my bikini and tanning oil...?
-
The police officer shrugs, “Well that is not forbidden.”
Two men are talking, “So, how’s the new job?”
-
“Like paradise, really.”
-
“No kidding? How so?”
-
“I could get kicked out any day.”
– Darling, I just called to tell you how awesome you are. You really are the love of my life…

– Sir – I’m sorry, this is a brewery!

– Oh I know…
Where do skeletons spend their vacation?
 
At the Dead Sea.
Ironing board.

A surf board which gave up on its dreams and went to work.
I ordered an extension course, “How to Deal With Life’s Disappointments”.

Yesterday, I got the first lesson by post.

It was an empty envelope.
Nurse Joke
New Jokes Categories: Anti Jokes | Double Meaning Jokes | Tell me a Joke
New Jokes Special: 16 Jokes for People Who Need a Smile

New category: The Delightful List of Jokes
“Waiter, my coffee mug is damaged.”
-
“Yes sir, our coffee cannot hide how strong it is.”
Women: “Communication is the most important thing in a relationship.”
-
2 million hours – The average time men spend trying to find out why their darling is angry with them.
I was walking past a clothes shop and saw a beautiful dress in the shop window. I went in and asked the shop assistant, “Hi, can I please try on the dress in the shop window?”

“Of course,” nodded the shop assistant, “but you know we also have changing rooms, right?”
New Joke Category: Senior Jokes
One shop owner asks another, “So, have you had any reactions yet to your ad that you’re looking for a night guard?”

“Yeah, we got robbed tonight.”
Joke Museum
Do you ever feel like the fifth wheel?

Think about it – wouldn’t that be the steering wheel?
The boss stops an employee one morning, “Hastings, do you smell of cheap liquor?!”
-
“You can bet that on this salary, it ain’t no Champagne.”
My son Luke loves that we chose Star Wars characters as an inspiration when naming our kids. His sister Chewbacca und his brother Boba Fett are less amused.
At a job Interview:
-
“What are your strengths?”
-
“I take matters in my own hands.”
-
“Ok, thank you. We will contact you.”
-
“No, I will contact you.”
What is the most dangerous sports in the world?
Being the goalie in soccer. The other team just keeps shooting at you.
At the restaurant, “Sir, would you prefer a red or a white wine?”
-
The customer shrugs, “I don’t really care. I’m colorblind.”
Two grandmas, Agnes and Esme, are meeting at a café. They’re having a nice chat over cake and coffee when suddenly Agnes remarks, “Um, Esme, you seem to have a suppository in your left ear…”

Esme is surprised and fishes the suppository out of her ear, looks at it for a while and sighs, “Well I guess I know where to find my hearing aid then.”
Condoms. By humans, for humans, on humans, in humans – against more humans.
The boss asks his employee, “Why aren’t you working?”
-
The employee explains, “Sorry boss, I didn’t see you coming.”
A homeless guy found a laptop somebody forgot on the train.

He immediately went and checked out what’s in the Trash bin
A Texan tourist stands under the Eiffel tower in Paris and looks upon it in awe.
 
“Amazing tower,” he comments to a French guy nearby, “how many barrels does it get out in a day?”
Outer Mongolia.

One of the few places where your navigation can say, “Keep straight. Prepare to turn right on Tuesday morning.”
New Jokes: 25 Jokes for people with constipation
Bear joke
Why do monkeys carry their babies on their backs?
 
It would be a bit hard dragging a buggy all the way up the trees…
A man comes home and yells joyfully: “Honey I won the Lotto! Pack your things for a nice big vacation!”
-
She asks: “Awesome! Should I pack for warm or cold weather?”
-
Man beams: “I don’t care. Just be on your way already!”
May 2020 horoscope:

Aries (March 21 – April 20) – You’ll be spending a lot of time at home.

Taurus (April 21 – May 21) – You’ll be spending a lot of time at home.

Gemini (May 22 – June 21) – You’ll be spending a lot of time at home.

Cancer (June 22 – July 22) – You’ll be spending a lot of time at home.

Leo (July 23 – August 22) – You’ll be spending a lot of time at home.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22) – You’ll be spending a lot of time at home.

Libra (September 23 – October 23) – You’ll be spending a lot of time at home.

Scorpio (October 24 – November 22) – You’ll be spending a lot of time at home.

Sagittarius (November 23 – December 21) – You’ll be spending a lot of time at home.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 20) – You’ll be spending a lot of time at home.

Aquarius (January 21 – February 20) – You’ll be spending a lot of time at home.

Pisces (February 21 – March 20) – You’ll be spending a lot of time at home.
I thought the wind settled down a bit so we could go for a walk.

Then a crow flew past my window. Backwards.
My date last night was really awesome.

We had a definite spark and pretty soon he was basically lying at my feet.

I love my new taser.
My doctor sent me for a prostate exam to the nearest hospital.

I went, reluctantly, got called in the office and patiently suffered through the - frankly very personal - examination.

When the examining surgeon left, a nurse came in and asked a question that sent shivers down my soul: “Who the heck was that?”
Where do skeletons spend their vacation?
 
At the Dead Sea.
The guy who gives out food at the prison canteen asks: “Eat here or take away?”
-
The prisoner frowns: “Not funny, Marlon! Not funny at all!!”
Teacher: “Who do you think invented dancing, children?”
-
Little Johnny: “My guess is a big Irish family with just one bathroom.”
Two men talking on a bus:

“I’ve been riding this bus to work for 15 years now.”
-
“Lord Almighty, where did you get on?!”
New category: Good Jokes | New Shower Thought
(check it out)
New Joke

In a shoe shop:

These shoes might be tight for the next two weeks.
-
Don’t worry. I’ll start wearing them on the third week.
We added lots of jokes into the Dad Jokes section (check it out).
Wife: “It’s our wedding anniversary in a week, darling. How do you think we should celebrate?”
-
Husband: “With a minute of silence.”
When you’re dressed all in black and some smart ass asks you who died, simply look around the room and say, “I haven’t decided yet.”
Q: What is it: “Three in the office but only one works.”
-
A: Two state clerks and a running ventilator.
Falling Joke

Which tea is the most popular in psychiatries?
-
Insanitea
Funny Saying Ugly Man

Why did my washing machine stop pumping out water?
 -
And more importantly, where is my hamster?
I made a beginner’s mistake and went shopping on an empty stomach. I am now the happy owner of aisle 7.
– When I drink coffee I can’t sleep.

– Really? I have the exact opposite.

– Wow, seriously?

– Yes, when I sleep I can’t drink coffee.
Funny Joke Woman Lard

New category: Funny idioms
Last words of a skydiver?
-
Oh crap, those annoying clothes moths!!!

I have one thing to say to the invalid who stole my camouflage army jacket: You can hide, bro, but you can't run.
Give a man a fish and you will feed him for the day.
-
Teach a man to fish and he’s going to spend a fortune on gear he’ll only be using twice a year.
The police stop an old guy in questionable condition at 1 am.
-
“What are you doing out so late, sir?” asks the police officer.
-
“I’m going to a seminar on ‘The harmful effects of alcohol’,” replies the man.
-
“Are you pulling my leg or something?!“ says the police officer, „who would hold a seminar like that at this hour?!”
-
The man sighs, “my wife.”

Clock Dog Scrabble Cartoon
A guy leans closer to his wife. „Can you keep a secret?“ he whispers to her.
-
“Sure I can,” says the wife, becoming curious.
-
“That’s good,” whispers the man again, “so can I.”

Eva asks Adam in the Garden of Eden, “Adam, do you desire me and me only?”
-
“Sure thing, baby,” replies Adam affectionately, “who else?”

Doctor to Mrs. Spew: “Is your daughter always stuttering like that?”
-
Mrs. Spew shakes her head: “No, only when she wants to say something.”
A mother asks her son, “Paul, would you say I’m pretty or ugly?”
-
“A bit of both, actually,” replies the teenager.
-
“How do you mean that?” asks the mother.
-
“I’d say you’re pretty ugly.”

What’s a good demonstration of the difference between a man and a woman?
-
The two meanings of the sentence: “What an ass!”
Cartoon Elephant Face Camel

I really can’t stand it when homeless guys shake their cups of money at me. Do they really have to rub it in that they’ve got more cash than I do?
Weather girl: “…. and because of the cold front coming in from North-East, we can expect about 3 inches of snow, or, as my colleague Bill would say, 8 inches.”
New category: Corny Jokes
Cartoon Joke Modern Witch

We added: New Puns | New Black Humor Jokes| New Dad Jokes
"Mom, how come I still didn’t get my period? I mean I’m already 19 and Janet got hers when she was just 13!"

"Listen to me, Brian, you’re NOT getting a period ever!"
Excuse me, didn’t you forget to flush the toilet?
-
Of course I did, otherwise it wouldn’t stink like this, would it?
A guy tells his friend, “Man I think my wife may be dead…”
 
Friend: “What?! Why would you think that?”
 
Guy: “Well in bed she’s the same as ever but the kitchen got quite messy…”
Don’t you hate it when you come to somebody’s place and they just can’t shut up asking you stupid questions like “what do you want” and “who are you” and “omg is that a real gun?”
My neighbor came at me really aggressively, asking if I knew anything about her underwear disappearing from her clothes line.
-
I can tell you I nearly shit her pants.
Nice To Women Joke

A guy asks a woman, “Would you sleep with me for $100?“
-
“Of course not!” replies the lady.
-
“Pity,” sighs the guy, “I could really use the money.”

New joke category: One Liners | Geek Jokes | Thanksgiving Jokes
In a bakery:

Man to the shop assistant: “I’ll have that thing there, please.”

Shop assistant: “Cupcake?”

Man: “OK, Cupcake, I’ll have that thing there, please.”
New category: Shower Thoughts
Joke Tatoo Chinese

I’ve read so many horrible things about drinking and smoking recently that I made a new, firm New Year’s resolution: NO MORE READING!
Two blind dudes are fighting really viciously. How do you stop them?
 
You shout, “I’m betting on the dude with the knife!”
Did anyone notice that the “&”symbol looks like a dog dragging his butt across the floor?
One friend to another:

I really can’t believe that after all that enormous shit they are together again.
-
What? Who are you talking about?
-
My butt cheeks, hahahahah :-D
Mom at a dentist:

“Now please darling, open up nicely for the doctor so he can take his hand out!”
Reporter interviews a man: “Sir, you’ve lived next to this highway for 20 years, do you feel that it has somehow influenced you?”
 
The man: “NOOooooo, NOOoooo, NOOooo…”
Just imagine, you’re a pair of jogging pants. You expect a nice and easy life of lying on the sofa. And then WTF?! You get bought by an ambitious jogger!
I’ve just been to the drugstore and saw that they’re selling lemon-scented intimate deodorants.

Yeah, this really makes sense actually because lemon goes very well with fish.
Hey Sue, what do you say to a nice walk?
 -
Oh Harry, that would be lovely!
 -
Wonderful. Could you bring me some beer and cigarettes on your way back?
Mobile - Update
Tablet – Update
Laptop - Update
TV – Update
Gaming console – Update

Somehow I’m afraid to plug in the iron.
Police officer to a driver: “OK, driver’s license, vehicle license, first aid kit and warning triangle.”
 
Driver: “Nah, I’ve already got all that. But how much for that funny Captain’s cap?“
New category:Cute Jokes
New category: Cross the Road Jokes
If I ever go missing, you should put my picture on beer rather than milk bottles. This way, my friends will find me faster.
I was going to start a Procrastinators Club. But then I realized I’d have to reject anyone who actually turned up at the meeting so I decided to put it off again.
You sneak into my room, unnoticed; you gently touch one bit of my naked body after the other until you find the most desirable place, then you start sucking. Stupid mosquitoes!
Today, I found a mosquito, I sat right next to it and kept on buzzing so he would see what it’s like, not being able to sleep!
“I want to be an astronaut!”
-
“I thought they didn’t send monkeys to space anymore?”
-
“Exactly, so no chance of a visit from you then!”
Self Defense Joke

They say you can’t get a decent job without education. But look at Albert Einstein – he was a drop-out and still ended up being the first man on the moon!
I spent half an hour trying to take off my girlfriend's bra. I gave up at the end. I wish I never tried it on in the first place.
What can I eat in the evening in front of the TV that wouldn’t make me fat?
-
Your fingernails.

>> I love to help in those online Q&A communities.
Ooooops Joke

New category: Fun Facts | Dad Jokes
A smoothie. The miracle of selling somebody a peach and a banana for $5.
Doctor, how can I live longer than 100 years?

Do you smoke?
No.

Do you eat too much?
No.

Do you go to bed late?
No.

Do you have affairs with promiscuous women?
No.

Then why would you want to live more than 100 years?
That awkward moment when you notice the guy in front of you in the "10 items maximum" express cashier line has 11 things in his trolley...
A person helping a criminal evade law before he’s arrested is called an accomplice.

A person helping a criminal evade law once he’s been arrested is called a lawyer.

New category: Cat Jokes | Redneck Jokes
New category: Clean Jokes
I fear my neighbor may be stalking me, she's been googling my name last night on her computer.

I saw it clearly through my binoculars.
New category: Fart Jokes | Funny Riddles and Answers
New categories: Knock Knock Jokes | Puns
New categories: Christmas jokes | Marriage Jokes
 I was the best door-to-door security alarms salesmen for many years running.

The trick was to just leave a brochure on the kitchen table if there was nobody home.
That moment when you want to be really cool in the cinema and start flipping popcorn into the air to catch it with your open mouth, but instead you get it in your open eye and the rest of the movie is just blurry.
“I’ve had enough of your constant demands. It's too much for me. I can't stand it anymore, it hurts!”
-
Fitness coach, “Come on man. It was just one push up.”
The urologist is about to leave his office and says: "Ok, let's piss off now."
You know you’re old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
When somebody makes you really angry, count to three. When you get to two, punch them in the face. They won’t be expecting that.
The phrase “We can still be friends” is like saying “Yeah, the dog died – but you can have it stuffed!
An elderly man was on the operating table, about to be operated on by his son, a famous surgeon. Just before they put him under, he asked to speak to his son:
 
"Don’t be nervous, boy, just do your best and just remember, if it doesn’t go well, if something happens to me… your mother is going to come and live with you and your family."
Wife asks her husband: “Did you like the dinner today?“
-
Husband replies: “Really, Shirley? Why are you always trying to pick a fight?”
New category: Prank Ideas / Practical jokes
Clock Time Consuming Humor

How many psychologists do you need to change a lightbulb?
 
Hm, and how many do YOU think?
There’s that moment when you put your steak on the grill and your mouth waters all over from that amazing smell.

Do you vegans feel the same when you mow the grass?“
That moment when you’re trying to fish out a piece of meat from between your teeth and end up looking like you’re having facial spasms.
Do you know how to make a dumb person curious?”
-
“No, how?”
-
“I’ll tell you tomorrow.”
New joke category: Dog Jokes

New category: Pirate Jokes
To be stung by a mosquito is not very pleasant. But the thought that an insect with just 10 brain cells could mess up your entire night is something quite different.
Are you feeling all alone?
-
Put on a good horror movie and switch off all the lights. That alone feeling will soon go away.
Honey, do you find me very fat?

How do I put this, darling – I know four very fat people. And you’re two of them!
I clean five hours ahead before I have guests over, just to be able to say: “Sorry it's usually not this messy.” In reality, I’m seeing the floor for the first time in months.
Caller, “I’m hearing you real bad.”
-
Me (without changing anything), “Better now?”
-
Caller, “Yes.”
Important note from a car manual:

Backing rapidly at a tree significantly reduces your trunk space.
“Excuse me, sir, have you seen a police officer around?”
-
“No, not a soul, actually.”
-
“Very good, now give me your wallet, watch and laptop!”


 




© Short-Funny.com. All rights reserved.

Follow us on Facebook

About us | Contact | Privacy |