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Clean Jokes

The best first: My five year old son: This potato salad makes me sad.

Me: Why?

He: All these potatoes could have been fries!
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Really Funny Clean Jokes

An Eskimo brings his friend to his home for a visit. When they arrive, his friend asks, puzzled – “So where’s your igloo?”

“Oh no, I must’ve left the iron on…”
Paul: “I’ve got problems with mathematics.”

Michael: “Me too.”

Eric: “Yeah, that makes four of us.”
Why didn’t the dinosaur cross the road?
Because there weren't even any roads during the Jurassic Period!
Police officer talks to a driver: Your tail light is broken, your tires must be exchanged and your bumper hangs halfway down. That will be 300 dollars.
Driver: Alright, go ahead. They want twice as much as that at the garage.
One pen pal to another, “Can you tell me what you look like?”
“Do you know Beyonce?”
“So, not like that.”
Why did the physics teacher break up with the biology teacher?

There was no chemistry.
Q. Why do the French like to eat snails so much?
A. They can’t stand fast food.
Husband: “Oh the weather is lovely today. Shall we go out for a quick jog?“
Wife: “Hahaha, I love the way you pronounce ‘Shall we go out and have a cake’!”
A doctor asks his patient angrily, “Why did you send my bill back, unopened, Mr. Gunrick?”

Mr Gunrick explains, “But doctor, it was you who told me I must avoid any upsets and stress!”
What did the toilet roll complain about?

"People just keep ripping me off!"
A man got hit hard in the head with a can of 7Up. He’s alright though, it was a soft drink.
A skeleton walks into a restaurant. After a while the waiter comes and says: “I’m so sorry, sir. You must have been waiting pretty long.”
A guest calls the waiter and complains, “How come there are no chairs at our table?!”
The waiter shrugs, “I’m sorry but you only booked one table…”
Optimist: The glass is half full.

Pessimist: The glass is half empty.

Mother: Why didn’t you use a coaster!
I asked my daughter if she’d seen my newspaper. She told me that newspapers are old school. She said that people use tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad. The fly didn’t stand a chance. 
What to do when somebody is trying to start an argument with you? Simply eat a few cookies. They taste very nice and you can’t hear anything over the crunching.
I’ve been really depressed lately. A friend told me I should go to the petting zoo perhaps, to cheer up.
I went today, but not one person would stroke me.
What goes through every village, over mountains, crosses rivers and deserts and yet never moves?
A road.
How many gorillas can fit into a car?


How many chickens can fit into the car?

None, the car is already full of gorillas.
She: I have a doctor’s appointment today but I really don’t want to go…
He: Just call in sick then.
Everybody knows 40 is the new 30, right? But the police officer giving me a speeding ticket couldn’t be persuaded.
I looked at my crush while I was filling her glass with water. The water overflowed and spilled all over my trousers. She looked at me and asked, “What are you doing?” I said, “For you, I will always give 110 percent…”
How many ant-eaters do you need to change a light bulb?
None, they don’t do that.
A girl asks a boy, "Peter, how much do you love me?"

The boy looks her in the eyes, "Look up at the stars, that's how much I love you."

The girl is confused, “But it’s morning, there are no stars?”

Boy nods, "Exactly!"
A recent scientific study showed that out of 2,293,618,367 people, 94% are too lazy to actually read that number.

Police officer: “Your car is too heavily overloaded. I simply cannot let you continue like that. I’m going to have to take away your driver’s license.”

Driver: “You’re kidding me, right? The license can only weigh one ounce tops!”
“Waiter, take your thumb off my schnitzel immediately!”
“Oh yeah? And have it fall down again!?”
I’ve always thought my neighbors were quite nice people. But then they put a password on their Wi-Fi.
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