Because their houses don’t have any
windows.The teacher is asking the children what is their favorite instrument.
- Little Johnny replies: The school bell.What do you call a bull that likes taking a nap? - A bulldozer!
What is the best season to jump on a trampoline? - Springtime.
The math teacher asks: You have 2 apples in your hand and then you add
another 4 apples in your hand. What do you have? - Little Johnny
replies: A very big hand.
Mother, “How was school today, Patrick?”
Patrick, “It was really
great mum! Today we made explosives!”
Mother, “Ooh, they do very
fancy stuff with you these days. And what will you do at school tomorrow?”
Patrick, “What school?”
Why was 6 scared of 7? - Because 7 8 9.
Mother knocks on her son’s door, “It’s late. Are you still behind your
computer screen playing video games?“ - The son replies, “Of
course not. I’m in front of it.”
What spends its days lying about on the ground but never gets dirty?
- A shadow.
Do trains eat? - Well they do go chew-chew…
What is the preferred food of runners? - Fast food.
What is sticky and brown? - A stick!
Father: And, how do you like going to school? - Son:
Well, the going bit is OK, the coming home bit is fine too, but the time in
between kind of ruins it!
80 chimneys plus 5 chimneys plus 8 chimneys.
What is the result?
Lots of smoke.What do teachers and clouds have in
Everything brightens up when they go away.
Peter, where did you put the sieve?
Sorry, mommy, I threw it away.
There were too many holes in it.
What do you get when you cross a vampire and a teacher? - Lots of
Teacher: Okay class, when I ask you a question, I want you all to answer me
at once. How much is six times 3? - Class: "At once!"
How can you open a banana? - With a monkey!
Little Johnny: Mom, I have good news and bad news. Which do you want to hear
Johnny’s Mom: OK, let’s hear the good news first.
Little Johnny: I got a B in Math today.
Johnny’s Mom: That’s good!
And now the bad one.
Little Johnny: That was a lie.
I have hands but I can never clap. What am I?
Cute little bunny walks into a pharmacy and asks if they have carrot ice
“No. This is a pharmacy. We don’t sell ice cream.”
Bunny leaves. But it comes back the next day and again asks, “Do you have
carrot ice cream?”
“No, Bunny! This is a pharmacy. We don’t
sell ice cream!“
Bunny leaves – but comes again the next day.
And the next day, and so on, until after about two weeks, the pharmacist
caves in and personally gets carrot ice cream for the next time the bunny
The bunny does come, and again asks, “Do you have carrot ice
“Today, Bunny, today we do!” smiles the pharmacist.
The bunny says: “Well then don't eat it. It tastes horrible!“
Why does Little Johnny always tiptoe past the medicine box? -
He’s afraid what would happen if he woke up the sleeping pills.
Teacher: "You got a zero in the last exam."
Roger: "I don’t think I
deserve a zero!"
Teacher: "Neither do I. But I can’t go any lower
What begins with P, ends with E, and has a gazillion letters in it? -
The Post Office!
Q: Why does the traffic light go red sometimes? - A: So would you if
you had to change in the middle of a busy intersection!
How do you start a communication with a fish? - You drop him a line!
What did the traffic light say to car?
- Can you look away? I’m
Why do hens lay eggs?
Because if they were throwing them, they’d break!
Why do some fish live in salt water? - Because pepper water would
make them sneeze!
Why did the teacher have to put the lights on? - His class was too
Why did the guy store his money in the freezer? - He loved
cold, hard cash!
Can you name a city where no one ever goes?
What keeps going up and down but doesn't
move? - The temperature!
Teacher: How come you don’t have your homework? - Pupil: I lost it
when I was fighting this kid who kept saying you weren't the best teacher in
Why did the bird have to go to the hospital?
- He was scheduled for a tweetment.
A child comes home dripping wet.
Mother: What on earth were you
Kid: We were playing dog with my friends. I was the tree.
A prisoner is finally released, after many years in jail. He stands on the
pavement, yelling, "I'm free! I'm free!" - A little kid walks up to
him happily and joins, “I’m four! I’m four!"
What weighs more, a ton of bricks or a ton of feathers? - Neither of them, they both weigh a ton!
Teacher: “I hope I won’t catch you copying from Clarissa!” -
Paula: “Oh, I hope so too!“
Two ants want to fight an elephant. - The elephant looks at them: “Two on
one? That’s not fair!”
What goes swimming with you but never gets wet?
Mother is waking her son: “Paulie, come, wake up, you have to go to school.”
“Aw mom, just a bit more sleep, please.” - “No, it’s really high time,
now get up.” - “But I don’t want to. The children annoy me and the
teachers are a complete pain!” - “Stop it, now. Get up and off to
school with you!”
“Mom, give me two good reasons why I should go to the stupid school.”
“Paulie, first of all, you’re 45, and second, you’re the headmaster.”
What did the blanket say to the bed? - No fears, I've got you
A man arrived in a small country town on Friday. He stayed there for three
days and then left on Friday. How is that possible? - His horse was
Question: What has two legs but cannot walk?
Answer: A pair of trousers.
A mother is trying to bring her son to bed:
“OK Ronnie, you really have to sleep now. If I
hear ‘Moooom!’ one more time, there’ll be no ice cream tomorrow.”
“Mrs. Smith? Can I get a glass of water please?”
Grandma asks little Fiona, “Did you have a nice play outside?” - Fiona
smiles, “Yeah, I was playing pretend and I was a lovely bird!”
that’s beautiful. Did you sing nicely?” says Grandma. - Fiona
explains, “No, I was eating worms!”Dad on the last day of school: So, where’s your school report, my boy?
Tom: Sorry, I’ll bring it a day later.
borrowed it to Kevin because he wanted to scare his parents.
Teacher to Paul: “Wake up, Paul! You can’t sleep in class!” -
Paul to teacher: “I could actually, it’s just that you’re a bit loud.”
Teacher asks the student: “Why are you so late?!”
Student: “Well I
was crossing the road and suddenly it says: 'School ahead, go slowly'!
Four elephants go for a walk on a stormy day. They only have one
umbrella. How come none of them get wet? - Well, did
anybody say it was raining?
My mom is really nice and I love her, but when she starts yelling, even the
neighbors start cleaning their homes.
A guy comes to his doctor: “Doctor, please, every time I say 'Abra Kadabra,'
people disappear." - "Doctor? Doctor?!”
A snail mama goes
shopping and asks her snail child: “Should I get you anything?” - “Yeah,
could you get me yoghurt please?” - Two weeks later the snail mama comes
back: “Strawberry or cherry?”
Little Johnny asks the teacher, “Mrs Roberts, can I be punished for
something I haven’t done?” - Mrs Roberts is shocked, “Of course not,
Johnny, that would be very unfair!” - Little Johnny is relieved, “OK
Mrs Roberts, sorry, I haven’t done my homework.”
Why did the teacher have to visit the eye specialist? -
She just couldn't control her pupils!
Teacher: Class, this morning, we will have only half a day of school. -
Class: Yaaaaay! - Teacher: We will enjoy the other half this afternoon!
Raphael runs to his father and starts talking to him urgently, “Dad, dad…”
His father turns to him angrily and says, “I’ve had it with you constantly
interrupting me. From now on you’ll speak only when I’ve asked you
something!” - Raphael thinks for a second and continues, “OK dad, can
you please ask me if you’ve forgotten to put in the handbrake and if your
car is now rolling down the road?”
What is the single most popular subject at a snake school? Hisssstory.
Little Johnny asked his mom: “Mommy, where’s Grandpa?” - Mommy
replies: “Oh, my little boy. We’ve talked about this, remember? He fell down
from a really steep ladder and now he’s in heaven.”
little Johnny, “that must have been quite a bounce!”
Mommy, do you know if God has to go to the toilet too?
No child. Of
course not. What makes you think this way?
Well grandpa knocked on
the bathroom door this morning and said: “Oh God! Please hurry up!”
What button is it impossible to unbutton? - The belly button!
Have I told you the joke about the roof? - Actually,
never mind, it would be way over your head!
Teacher cracks down on Little Johnny: “Come now, Johnny! Admit it. You had
your parents help you with the homework, didn’t you?”
replies: “Absolutely not. They did it all by themselves!“
How does a school differ from an insane asylum? - Different phone
Antonia buys 5 chocolate bars. Her friend Julie asks her for 2 of
them. How many chocolate bars does Antonia end up with? - Answer:
Five. Antonia is quite a greedy girl.
What is every pirate’s favorite letter? (Everyone answers Arrr)
Yeah, you’d think it’s R, but it’s really C!
Two neighbors are chatting and one says, “You know, Jim, you have such a
teeny, tiny dog. Why the heck do you have a sign saying ‘Beware of the
Jim says, “Basically I don’t want anybody to stumble over
An ant saw an elephant running towards him. He was afraid that the elephant
would step on him. What did the ant do? - He quickly hid behind a
tree, waited and then tripped the elephant up.
Doctor: “Can you describe the snake that bit you?” - Patient:
“Yes. It looked like an angry rope.
“One egg asks another egg: “Why are you so hairy?”
“’Cause I’m a
A lady walks into a shop in a mall and addresses the shop assistant, “Hi. I
really need a stronger pair of glasses.”
you do,” says the shop assistant, “this is a bakery.”
Three doves are sitting in a tree. - Suddenly they spot an airplane
in the distance. One nudges the other: ”Look at that! That is fast!” -
The other looks at him: “You’d be too I if your butt was on fire.“
What can smell without a nose? - A fart.
Teacher: Marvin, please go outside the door and stay there. - Marvin:
Why? - Teacher: Because your jabbering is very disruptive and nobody
wants to listen to it. - Marvin: Then perhaps you should come along
Teacher: "Patrick, you are an hour and a half late for school. What in the
world?!" - Student: "Sorry sir, I had to say bye to all my pets." -
Teacher: "An hour and a half?!" - Student: "Well it is quite a big ant farm…"
How do you turn a white chocolate into a dark chocolate? - You eat it
and then poop it out.
What begins with a T, ends with a T and
even has T inside it? - A TeapoT.
“Mummy, could you give me two dollars for this old man on the street?”
“Oh darling, of course, you’re so nice to think of other people. Where
“There on the corner, selling ice cream for two dollars.”
A ten-year-old boy comes to his mom and asks her for a snack.
thing, darling, but first, what’s the magic word?”
“Wow,” the boy
shakes his head, “they really put a password on everything these days!”
Lisa ask Peter, "What are you eating? Are those apple pips?"
replies, "Yes! And you know what? These are very special ones, they give you
knowledge and wisdom."
Lisa asks, "Oh wow, can I have some please?"
Peter answers, "Sure, but it’s 2.50, remember, they’re special." - Lisa
agrees, eats the pips and says, "Hey, I can’t say that I feel any special
knowledge or wisdom!" - Peter smiles, "Really? But now you know that pips are really just
pips and next time, you will be wise enough not to fall for a stupid trick
Q: Why did the banana have to go see the doctor? - A: It was not
peeling very well.
Little Kenny is about to have a big test and his father says: “You better
study real good boy, ‘cause if you don’t pass that test, you can forget that
you’re my son!”
The next day Kenny comes home and his dad asks him
how he did in the test.
Kenny looks at him and says, “And who are
"I’m still not sure whether to buy this house. It’s really nice and
everything, but I heard it’s haunted." – "Pishposh. I’ve never seen any
ghosts here, and I’ve lived in the neighborhood for 500 years!"
A bunny is hopping across the forest and sees a huge pile of poop. The
bunny cautiously approaches, puts its finger in it, sniffs, licks lightly
and says, “Aha! That’s dog poop. Lucky I didn’t step in it.”
Little Johnny, why on Earth did you cover your pillow with honey?! -
I wanted to have sweet dreams. Q: What do you get when you crossbreed a refrigerator and a guitar? -
A: Some really cool music.
What does a snail say when he finds himself on a turtle’s back? -
What should you put on the tomb stone of a mathematician? - He didn't
count with this...
A bird meets a snail and asks, “Where are you going?” - The snail
says, “To the cherry tree over there.” - The bird is surprised, “But
the cherries aren’t ripe yet!” - The snail shrugs, “Well, and I’m not
A teacher shows Little Johnny a butterfly and asks, “Well, Johnny,
what do we call this butterfly?”
Little Johnny says, “That’s a
“Come on, Johnny, peacock butterflies aren’t green!”
maybe this one isn’t ripe yet?”
What are the
Snake’s last words?
"Oh drat, I bit my tongue!"
Q: How does a YouTube star stay cool? - A: By keeping close to his fans.
Little Kevin rides his bike and yells at his mummy, “Look mom, I can ride
the bike with just one hand!” - He goes by the second time and yells
excitedly, “Mom, mom, look no hands at all!” - He comes the third
time and proudly hollers, “Look mom, no teeth, either!”
Fiona asks her daddy, “Dad, can you write with your eyes closed?”
- “I believe I could, child, if I tried.” - “Excellent, do you
think you would like to try it on my school report?”
What's always taken before you can get
it? - Your picture.
A guy is stopped by traffic police. The police officer asks him
to open his trunk – and sees 2 penguins sitting inside. The officer is
shocked and says to the guy, “Sir, you’ve got to takes those two to the Zoo
right away!” The guy agrees and leaves.
The next day – same place,
same police officer – he is stopped again. The officer again asks him to
open his trunk, and to his confusion, there are the two penguins sitting
again, today with swimming hats on their heads. The officer says, “I told
you yesterday that you have to take them to the Zoo, didn’t I?!”
I did take them to the Zoo, just like you said. And today we’re going
What did 0 say to 8? - Hey, nice belt!See also:
Cute Jokes| Clean