I threw away my can opener.
It was more of a can’t opener.
Me: I’d like to travel…
My bank account: To work?
man limps to the doctor’s office and gasps, “Doctor, I was bitten by my
The doctor checks, “Did you put anything on it?”
seemed to be enjoying the taste without any condiments.”
“Well we can’t have this Mr. Rigby!” the doctor tells off his patient. “You
pay me with a check and when I send it in to the bank, it bounces right
“Isn’t that a coincidence, doctor, so does my eczema.”
Teacher explains to the children in civic education, “Every minute that I
stand here talking to you, 12 people die.”
Little Johnny raises his
hand, “perhaps you could try some mouthwash?”
That awkward moment when your parents have been telling you not to jump on
the bed, but what do you hear at 11 pm? Your parents jumping on the bed.
They’re introducing facial recognition in smart phones.
60% of women will have serious problems calling anyone in the mornings.
I asked what I should bring to the party. The hosts said – nothing, just
bring a happy face.
I had to cancel.
“I’m a man with class.”
- Peter, 59, teacher.
Q: How do I eat consciously?
A: You try not to lose consciousness
What does an unemployed liberal arts graduate say to an employed liberal
Yes please, I’d love some ketchup for my fries.
What is small, square and green?
A small green square.
You have to
hang on a minute, I’m pooping.
Yeah, we know. The photo booth has
"Looks are not important. It’s what’s inside you that’s really valuable."
Howard, 37, black market organ dealer
“A few years back I’ve been on vacation in the Alps – wife got pregnant. The
year after that – the Rockies, wife got pregnant. Two years after that –
Tenerife, wife got pregnant. And another vacation’s coming up…”
what are you going to do?”
“I think I’m going to have to take her
with me this year, just in case.”
Average speed of a wife in a shopping mall: $200 per hour.
Mommy, who’s that black man?”
“Don’t touch Daddy, darling, he’s still
A wife tells her husband, “I’m just going to pop over to Jenny next door for
5 minutes, don’t forget to stir the curry every half an hour!”
Roger, when people say their date went well because they had chemistry, they
don’t mean roofies.
My friend and I got arrested by the police. When we were in the police car,
one of the officers told us to put the seatbelt on. My friend said, “Don’t
worry about it. If anybody stops us, I’ll pay the fine.”