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Jokes for people with constipation

Best first: A fly flies into a bar and asks, “Is this stool free?”
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What is the difference between a woman and Batman?

Batman knows every night what he’s going to wear.

Next life I want to be a gym mat.

I’ll just lay around and yet women will be sweating on top of me.
A new boss is appointed in an office, and he has a really fierce reputation.

He’s walking through the office for the first time when he spots a guy just leaning against a doorframe, doing nothing just staring in mid-distance.

The boss decides to show everybody how things are going to be from now on. He approaches the guy and asks him sternly, “What is your monthly salary?”

“2,200,” replies the man, a bit surprised.

The boss whips out his wallet, thrusts 1,800 at the guy and yells, “There’s your two weeks’ pay, now get out of here and never show your face again!”

The guy takes the money and leaves. The boss, feeling good he’s shown everybody how idle hands are dealt with, asks, “So what was that lazy jerk doing in this place?”

One clerk shrugs, “He just delivered our pizza.”

Funny saying lazy
I may not be the best with words, but at least I’m not that, you know, that thingy.

A guy with very long, very greasy hair walks into a hair salon.
 
The hairdresser sits him down and asks, “So, are you here for a haircut or just oil change?”
I burnt 1500 calories yesterday. I left a cake in the oven for too long.
Why are there such huge waiting times in emergency rooms in all hospitals?
 
Because they’re testing the theory that time heals all wounds.
How do you know there’s a bear in the cinema?
 
His bike is parked in front of it.
Funny saying lazy
Who gets born three times before they grow up?

A butterfly: egg, caterpillar, cocoon, butterfly.
What do you get when you crossbreed an earthworm with a hedgehog?

A barbed wire.
What is it, it barks during the day and floats during the night?

Your mother-in-law’s dentures.
Jokes Constipation
An American guy is skyping his Russian friend in the winter and says, “Kolya, I was just watching the Weather Channel and it sounded terrible, they said you have -50 in Russia! Are you OK?”

“Vot?!” says Kolya, “nah, ve have around -25 here, tops, it’s not too bad at all!”

“Really?! But they showed a guy standing in the Red Square with a thermometer and everything!”
“Ah, now I get it. You mean outside!”

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