Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he
People say money is not a key to happiness, but I always figured if you have
enough money, you can have a key made.
People say: "nothing is impossible", but I do nothing every day.
“Fish who are caught and released are like the aquatic equivalent of people
who claim to have been abducted by aliens.”
The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed
entirely of lost airline luggage.
“I’m glad I don’t have to hunt for my food, I don’t even know where
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A
successful woman is one who can find such a man.
“Women should not have children after 35. Really… 35 children is enough.”
It’s useless to hold a person to anything they say when they are in love,
drunk or running for office.
There are three kinds of people in this world: those who make things happen;
those who watch things happen; and those who wonder what the hell happened.
The Bible tells us to
love our neighbors, and also to love our enemies; probably because
generally they are the same people.
G. K. Chesterton
Just remember, if the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off.
“Chips have little nutritional value. That’s why you need to eat the whole
I’m so broke, I can’t even pay attention.
I’ve realized you can use a fork as a spoon if you use it rapidly enough.
The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I
“Break the ice in a crowded elevator by asking how much everyone weighs.”
| Part 6
| Part 7
| Part 8
| Part 9
| Part 10