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Hilarious Quotes | Part 9

Best first: Out of all the lies I’ve told, "Just kidding!" is my favorite.

     
Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings.
-
Robert Benchley
People say money is not a key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.
-
Joan Rivers

People say: "nothing is impossible", but I do nothing every day.
-
Winnie the Pooh
“Fish who are caught and released are like the aquatic equivalent of people who claim to have been abducted by aliens.”

Bill Murray
The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage.
-
Mark RussellI
“I’m glad I don’t have to hunt for my food, I don’t even know where Sandwiches live.”

Bill Murray
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
-
Lana Turner
“Women should not have children after 35. Really… 35 children is enough.”

Bill Murray
It’s useless to hold a person to anything they say when they are in love, drunk or running for office.
-
Shirley MacLaine
There are three kinds of people in this world: those who make things happen; those who watch things happen; and those who wonder what the hell happened. - Anonymous

The Bible tells us to love our neighbors, and also to love our enemies; probably because generally they are the same people.
-
G. K. Chesterton
Just remember, if the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off.
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Anonymous
“Chips have little nutritional value. That’s why you need to eat the whole bag.”

Bill Murray
I’m so broke, I can’t even pay attention.
-
Anonymous
I’ve realized you can use a fork as a spoon if you use it rapidly enough.
-
John Mayer
The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.
-
George Carlin
“Break the ice in a crowded elevator by asking how much everyone weighs.”

Bill Murray
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Funny Quotes

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 | Part 6 | Part 7 | Part 8 | Part 9 | Part 10

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