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Hilarious Quotes | Part 9

Best first: Out of all the lies I’ve told, "Just kidding!" is my favorite.

Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings.
Robert Benchley
People say money is not a key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.
Joan Rivers

People say: "nothing is impossible", but I do nothing every day.
Winnie the Pooh
“Fish who are caught and released are like the aquatic equivalent of people who claim to have been abducted by aliens.”

Bill Murray
The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage.
Mark RussellI
“I’m glad I don’t have to hunt for my food, I don’t even know where Sandwiches live.”

Bill Murray
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
Lana Turner
“Women should not have children after 35. Really… 35 children is enough.”

Bill Murray
It’s useless to hold a person to anything they say when they are in love, drunk or running for office.
Shirley MacLaine
There are three kinds of people in this world: those who make things happen; those who watch things happen; and those who wonder what the hell happened. - Anonymous

The Bible tells us to love our neighbors, and also to love our enemies; probably because generally they are the same people.
G. K. Chesterton
Just remember, if the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off.
“Chips have little nutritional value. That’s why you need to eat the whole bag.”

Bill Murray
I’m so broke, I can’t even pay attention.
I’ve realized you can use a fork as a spoon if you use it rapidly enough.
John Mayer
The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.
George Carlin
“Break the ice in a crowded elevator by asking how much everyone weighs.”

Bill Murray
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Funny Quotes

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 | Part 6 | Part 7 | Part 8 | Part 9 | Part 10

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