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Short and Funny Quotes | Part 8

Best first: It’s not true that I had nothing on. I had the radio on. Marilyn Monroe

     
My favorite machine at the gym is the vending machine.
-
Caroline Rhea
Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it.
-
Bill Murray

You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named "Bush", "Dick", and "Colin." Need I say more?
-
Chris Rock
“Your secrets are safe with me because, chances are, I wasn’t even listening.”

Bill Murray
“You used so much oil the US want to invade the plate!”
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Gordon Ramsay (TV Chef)
“You can't help getting older, but you don't have to get old.”
-
 George Burns
Accept who you are. Unless you're a serial killer.
-
Ellen DeGeneres
Once you can accept the universe as matter expanding into nothing that is something, wearing stripes with plaid comes easy.
-
Albert Einstein
In those days the best painkiller was ice; it wasn't addictive and it was particularly effective if you poured some whiskey over it.
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 George Burns
“I’ve probably wasted a solid year of my life just staring into the fridge.”

Bill Murray

When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye.
-
Cathy Guisewite

Nothing spoils a good story like the arrival of an eyewitness.
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Mark Twain
“Do crabs think we walk sideways?”
-
Bill Murray
Don't be so humble - you are not that great.
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Golda Meir
If you're too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
-
Lawrence Ferlinghetti
What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife.
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Rodney Dangerfield
“If we ever travel thousands of light years to a planet inhabited by intelligent life, let’s just make patterns in their crops and leave.”

Bill Murray

I don’t hate you… I just don’t like that you exist.
-
Gena Showalter
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Funny Quotes

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 | Part 6 | Part 7 | Part 8 | Part 9 | Part 10

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