Before I got married I had six theories
about bringing up children; now I have six children and no theories.
Wilmot, Earl of Rochester
A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don’t
Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to
realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.
I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes – and six months later
you have to start all over again.
takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if
it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth.
We hope that,
when the insects take over the world, they will remember with gratitude how
we took them along on all our picnics.
Retirement at 65 is ridiculous. When I was 65 I still had pimples.
An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can
have; the older she gets, the more interested he is in her.
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are
stupider than that.
A woman would never make a nuclear bomb. They would never make a weapon that
kills. They’d make a weapon that makes you feel bad for a while.
The Forgetful Vegan: Man that sure was some good pepperoni pi-Oh Fuck!
My mom had a very difficult childhood. My childhood.
The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.
| Part 6
| Part 7
| Part 8
| Part 9
| Part 10