Two men are playing golf. One of them is about to take a swing when a
funeral procession appears on the road next to the course. He stops
mid-swing, takes off his cap, closes his eyes, and bows his head in
His opponent comments: "That must be the most touching thing
I’ve ever seen. You are a very feeling man." The man, recovering himself,
replies, "Yeah, well we were married 35 years."
Doctor: Your test results are showing you'll easily live to be 80.
Patient: But, wait, I am 80 just now.
Doctor: See, I told you to
A woman caught her husband on the weight scale, sucking in his stomach.
“That won’t help you, Joe, you know?”
“Oh it helps a lot,” says
the man, “it’s the only way I can see the numbers!”
Today I found my first grey pubic hair. I got really excited, but not as
much as the other people in the lift.
Dentist: “This will hurt a little.”
“I’ve been having an affair with your wife for a while now.”
Why do you see
so few black people on ocean cruises?
Well, they're not going to fall for
that one again.
cannot buy you happiness, but I’d still feel a lot more comfortable crying
in a new BMW than on a bike.
official to the other: "I don't know what people have against us - We
haven't done anything."
home late at night from a business trip and quietly opens the door to her
bedroom. But she notices four legs instead of two peeking from under the
Seized by a fit of rage, she reaches for the baseball bat and starts
hitting the blanket until the screaming stops.
Still in shock, she lurches
to the kitchen to have a drink. As she enters, she sees her husband there,
reading a magazine.
"Oh welcome home darling," he says, "my parents came
for a visit, so I let them have our bedroom. I hope you said hello."
Don’t be sad when a bird craps on your head. Be happy that dogs can’t fly.
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