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Jokes Top 100 | Part 10

Best first: "Honey, why did you build the child's bed so high?" - "We can hear it better if he falls out."
 
Gags

91

Two men are playing golf. One of them is about to take a swing when a funeral procession appears on the road next to the course. He stops mid-swing, takes off his cap, closes his eyes, and bows his head in contemplation.
 
His opponent comments: "That must be the most touching thing I’ve ever seen. You are a very feeling man." The man, recovering himself, replies, "Yeah, well we were married 35 years."

92

Doctor: Your test results are showing you'll easily live to be 80.
 
Patient: But, wait, I am 80 just now.
 
Doctor: See, I told you to live healthier!
93

A woman caught her husband on the weight scale, sucking in his stomach.
 
“That won’t help you, Joe, you know?”

“Oh it helps a lot,” says the man, “it’s the only way I can see the numbers!”

94

Today I found my first grey pubic hair. I got really excited, but not as much as the other people in the lift.
95

Dentist: “This will hurt a little.”

Patient: “OK.”

Dentist: “I’ve been having an affair with your wife for a while now.”

96

Why do you see so few black people on ocean cruises?
-
Well, they're not going to fall for that one again.

97

Yes, money cannot buy you happiness, but I’d still feel a lot more comfortable crying in a new BMW than on a bike.

98

One state official to the other: "I don't know what people have against us - We haven't done anything."
99

Wife arrives home late at night from a business trip and quietly opens the door to her bedroom. But she notices four legs instead of two peeking from under the blanket!

Seized by a fit of rage, she reaches for the baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket until the screaming stops.

Still in shock, she lurches to the kitchen to have a drink. As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.

"Oh welcome home darling," he says, "my parents came for a visit, so I let them have our bedroom. I hope you said hello."

100

 Don’t be sad when a bird craps on your head. Be happy that dogs can’t fly.

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